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^|\ MARRIED LIFE. Comedy; companion piece to "Single Life"; 3 acts; i^fjjf 

i/l\ 2 hours 5 5 yf^ 

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^Iv DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann St., N. Y. U 



A REGULAR FLIRT 



An Up-to-Datc Society Comedy in Three Acts 



BY 

ELEANOR MAUD CRANE 

Author of '7ust for Fun," "Men, Maids and Match-Makers/* 
"A Pair of Idiots," etc. 



COPYRIGHT, 1903, BY ELEANOR MAUD CRANE 



^ 



NEW YORK 

DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers 

18 Ann Street 



THE LIBRARY OF } 

CONGRESS, , .[ , . 

Two Copies Recaivec j C. W 

JUL 23 1903 ^y j/ 

, Copyright tntry 
I CLASS ^. XXc. No I 

' 3 / o s- I 

COHY B. 



^^-f^ 



4^ 



<^ '^- 



A REGULAR FLIRT. 



e^ 



DRAMATIS PERSONAE. 

Dr. Theodore Morgan A Prominent Physician 

Reginald Morgan ^ ^^^ Doctor's Nephews 

Theodore Morgan j 

Dick Harding \ The Doctor's Step-Sister's Son 

Kitty Harding Dick's Sister 

Mrs. Mortimer Mason. A Designing Widow 

Marie O'Reilly Mrs. Mason's Maid 

Mildred Elliot A Regular Flirt 

Time.— The Present. Place.— Larchmont, a suburb of New 
York. Season. — Summer. Costumes. — Modern. Time of 
Playing, — Two Hours and a' half. 



SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 

]^ •if.^it J*-*-^^^e^Li''brary :in Dr. Morgan's house. The eve of 
th'e hdus'e-i)arty."' Dick decides to take the position of butler in 
his uncle's family. Mrs. Mason decides to marry the Doctor. 
The guests arrive. A wager is made. 

Act II. — The next morning. Scene — The Doctor's garden. 
The race is lost and won. Dick takes refuge in the tool-box. 
Dr. Morgan becomes confidential. Mrs. Mason is made happy. 
Theodore consults his uncle. Breakfast is served. 

Act III. — Two weeks later. Scene — Same as Act I. Marie is 
surprised. The Doctor and Dick come to an understanding. Reg- 
inald and Theodore decide to keep bachelor's hall. The Regular 
Flirt falls a victim to Cupid's wiles. 



TMP92-008962 



A Regfulat Flitt 3 

COSTUMES* 

Kitty Harding. Act I. — Summer gown of light organdie. 
Act II. — Garden costume, picture hat. Act III. — Full evening 
dress. 

Mildred Elliot. Act I. — Half evening dress, to contrast in 
color with Kitty's. Act II. — White garden dress. Sunbonnet 
hung over one arm. Act III. — Full evening dress, flowers, fan. 

Mrs. Mason. Act I. — White gown elaborately trimmed with 
black, lorgnette. Act II.— Elaborate garden costume, large hat, 
sunshade, gloves. Act III. — Black spangled evening dress, vio- 
lets, long gloves, jewels. 

Dr. Theodore Morgan. Act I. — White duck suit, glasses. 
Act II. — Riding suit, gaiters and straw hat. Act III. — Full 
evening dress, white gloves. 

Reginald Morgan. Act I. — Travelling suit of mixed goods, 
tan gloves, straw hat. Act II. — Golf suit. Act III. — Full even- 
ing dress. 

Theodore Morgan. Act I. — Travelling suit, rather conspic- 
uous in color ; bright yellow gloves. Act II. — White duck suit, 
Panama hat and bright tie. Act III. — Full evening dress, gloves, 
monocle. 

Dick Harding. Act I. — First costume: Frock coat, gray 
trousers. Second costume : Butler's uniform, wig. Act II. — 
First costum.e : Blue serge suit. Second costume : Butler's uni- 
form. Act III. — Butler's uniform. 

Marie O'Reilly. Short black dress, white cap with coquettish 
bow, white apron with tiny pockets, high-heeled shoes with big 
buckles. 



ABBREVIATIONS* 

In observing, the player is supposed to face the audience, c. 
means centre ; r., right ; l., left ; r. c, right of centre ; l. c, left of 
centre ; c. d., centre door ; r. d., right door ; l. d., left door ; d. r. 
c, door right of centre ; d. l. c, door left of centre ; d. f., door in 
the flat; c. d. f., centre door in the flat; R. D. f., right door in the 
flat ; L. D. F., left door in the fiat ; i g., 2 g., 3 G., etc., first, second 
or third grooves, etc. ; i e., 2 e.^ 3 e., etc., first, second or third 
entrances, etc.; r. u. e., right upper entrance; L. u. e., left upper 
entrance; up, up stage or toward the rear; down, down stage or 
toward the audience ; x. means to cross the stage ; x. r., cross 
toward the right; x. l., cross toward the left. 
R. r. c. c. l. c. l. 



4 A Regular Flirt 

PROPERTIES. 

Act I. — Stage properties as per scene-plot at head of act. Golf 
kit and dress-suit case for Dick. Invitation in pocket for Marie. 
Fans, handkerchiefs and candlesticks containing lighted candles 
for Mildred and Kitty. Lorgnette for Mrs. Mason. Monocle 
and small change in pocket for Theodore. Box of chocolates 
and small change for Reginald. Note-book and pencil in pocket 
for Doctor. Letters, postals and pens on desk for Kitty. Chess- 
board and men on mantle. Small bell and magazine on table. 
Lighted candles and flowers on mantle and desk. Small tray and 
two glasses of water for Dick. 

Act IL — ^Large tool-box up l. Padlock and key. Two flat 
stones and a trowel near box. Rustic well with tin dipper hang- 
ing by it down r. Rustic bench, r. c. Small pebbles in front of 
bench. Sunbonnet and ring for Mildred. Sunshade, shawl, 
fan, handkerchief and gloves for Mrs. Mason. Spectacles and 
cigar-case for Dr. Morgan. Cane, monocle, handkerchief and one 
long suede glove in pocket for Theodore. Light cane and one 
long suede glove in pocket for Reginald. Breakfast table set 
with six cups, saucers, plates, knives, forks, spoons, crackers, 
celery and sandwiches for Dick and Marie. Camp-stools for 
Dick. Match in pocket for Dick. Small dog for Mildred. 

Act in. — Same as Act I. More flowers, plants and lights. 
No desk or small tables. Gloves, fan, shawl, handkerchief, roses 
and ring for Mildred. Fan, gloves and flowers for Kitty. Lorgn- 
ette and fan for Mrs. Mason. Letter on tray, glass of water, 
ring and step-ladder for Dick. Smilax, flower in button-hole, 
handkerchief, white gloves and glasses for Dr. Morgan. White 
gloves, plates of whipped cream and monocles for Theodore and 
Reginald. Brass poker and tongs near fireplace. Portieres drape 
doorways. 



A REGULAR FLIRT. 



ACT I. 

SCENE. — Library in Dr. Morgan^'s suburban home in Larch- 
mont. Doors up r. and l. Windows up c, draped. Mantel 
down R.^ with ornaments. Chess-board and men on mantel. 
Mirror over mantel. Desk, with writing materials, l. c. 
Chair at desk. Footstool r. of desk. Small sofa down r. 
Small table, with magazine and bell, r. Chair down l. Rugs 
down. Lighted candles on mantel and desk. Time, evening. 
Lights up. 

[Kitty is DISCOVERED in listening attitude close to 

D. L. c. She turns and walks down R. and stands 

with -fingers clasped over her ears. Enter Dick, l. 

He slams door after him and advances to c, kicking 

footstool out of his way. 

Dick {angrily). I won't put up with it any longer. I declare 

I won't. {He catches sight of EIitty, who stands motionless, her 

back toward him.) Kitty! {Louder.) Kitty! {He goes close 

to her and almost screams.) Kitty! 

Kitty {taking her hands from over her ears and facing him 
with a start). Good gracious, Dick, how you startled me! 

Dick. Well, it nearly took an earthquake. What in the world 
were you doing? {Puts his hands in his pockets and walks R.) 
Kitty. Trying not to hear what you and uncle were saying. 
Dick. Why didn't you shut the door ? That would have been 
a surer way. {Seats himself on sofa, R.) 

Kitty. I was so nervous I have been walking the floor. What 
did he do? {Seats herself in chair, l.) 
Dick. Told me to go to the — ahem ! 
Kitty {rising hastily). Oh, Dick, he didn't! 
Dick {leaning back). Of course, you know best. 
Kitty {seating herself again and shaking her head). Well, I 
must say I'm surprised ! He has always been the kindest man in 
the world, and now 



6 A Regular Flirt 

Dick. Now he's the very old scratch ! He walked all over me. 

Kitty (leaning forward). It's a perfect shame! What will 
you do? 

Dick (shrugging his shoulders) . I'm blessed if I know. 

Kitty (lowering her voice). Have you any money at all? 

Dick (in disgusted tones). Not a cent. 

Kitty. Can't you borrow some? 

Dick. I owe more now than I'm able to pay. The fact is, 
Kit, I'm in a pretty fix. 

Kitty (rising and tvalking c). Let me speak to him, Dick. 
You always rub him the wrong way. 

Dick (crossly). Of course, I'm to blame. 

Kitty (laying her hand on his shoulder). Don't be cross, Dick. 
I only want to help you. 

Dick. I know you do, Kitty, and I'm a brute, but I'm so wor- 
ried. If I only had a little more time I'm sure I could get that 
position in the bank, but he won't give me another day. Of course, 
I know we have no claim on him 

Kitty (turning R.). He was our mother's brother, and is as 
rich as Croesus. 

Dick (shaking his linger at her and raising his eyebrows). 
Step-brother, you mean, which is quite a different thing. 

Kitty (sitting r. of table). I wish we had never attempted this 
house-party. I'm in no humor to entertain any one. For some 
reason or other uncle has been on the rampage all day. First 
he dismissed Michael 

Dick (in surprise). Michael! 

Kitty (sadly). Yes, Michael; and what we shall do without 
him I don't know. 

Dick. Why in the world did uncle discharge him? 

Kitty. I can't imagine, but (looking hastily about and speak- 
ing impressively) I can guess who is back of it. 

Dick (drawing a long whistle). Not Mrs. Mason? 

Kitty. Yes, Mrs. Mason. She's a regular old cat and I hate 
her. She made uncle believe that I needed a chaperone and got 
him to invite her here, and now she Is trying to run everything to 
suit herself. She and that precious maid of hers seem to fill the 
house. Nothing escapes them. Why, see here. (She tip- 
toes across the room and suddenly opens d. l. Marie is discov- 
ered in listening attitude. She zvalks slozvly into room.) 

Marie (curtseying). Meeses Mason sent me to ask eef the 
evening mail had gone. 

Kitty (severely). No, it hasn't. (Marie curtseys.) And, 
Marie, the next time you have a message for me don't stand wait- 
ing so long ow/side the door. 



A Regular Flirt 7 

Marie. Yes, Mees. (She curtseys.) 

Kitty (pointing to door). You may go. 

Marie. Yes, Mees. (Curtseys.) 

[EXIT Marie, l. 

Kitty (opens door, looks after her, then closes door and walks 
u. L. c). That's the sort of thing I have to contend with con- 
stantly. 

Dick (walking u.). I do believe you are right, Kitty. (Turns 
and faces Kitty.) Now I think of it, Mrs. Mason had a long talk 
with uncle just before he sent for me, and I bet she put him up 
to this business. 

Kitty (crossing r.). Of course she did, and she's to blame 
about Michael, too. The boys are coming to-night, and how am 
I to get along? (Seats herself, R.) 

Dick. How much did uncle pay Michael? 

Kitty. Forty dollars a month. 

Dick. What did he do? 

Kitty. Oh, I don't know. He attended the door and went 
for the mail and cleaned the silver. 

Dick (walks slowly c. and l., then turns and faces Kitty.) 
Kitty, I shall do it. (Raises his hand as Kitty is about to speak.) 
Don't try to persuade me not to, for my mind is made up, and 
when I once make up my mind I — I — I — well, I make up my mind. 
(Walks L.). 

Kitty. My dear boy, what are you talking about ? 

Dick (drawing himself up). Ahem! You see before you the 
future butler of Theodore Morgan, M.D. Madame, at your 
service. (He bows stiMy.) 

Kitty (rising). Dick, are you crazy? 

Dick (l. c). Not a bit of it. 

Kitty. What on earth do you mean? 

Dick. Merely this and nothing more. Do you doubt my abil- 
ity to but? 

Kitty. Please stop teasing, Dick. (Crosses l.) 

Dick (giving way). My dear sister, don't you see I am in 
dead earnest? I. must have money. Uncle says work. I take 
his advice. You need a butler. I shall buttle. Michael has gone. 
Long live the new Michael ! 

Kitty. Really, Dick, this idea is preposterous. (Sits l.) 

Dick, it is a very practical way out of my difficulties. By 
taking Michael's place for a month I get my board free, gratis 
and for nothing, keep one eye out for a more congenial job. one 
eye on you, and at the same time watch the manoeuvres of your 
charming chaperone and her m.eddlesome maid. 

Kitty. But, Dick, what vrill IMildred say? 



8 A Regular Flirt 

Dick (anxiously). Do you think she will care? 

Kjtty. Of course she will. Aren't you going to promise to 
love, honor and obey her some sweet day^? 

Dick. I'm not so sure about that. Mildred is such a slippery 
little puss that I never know what to expect from her. 

Kitty. I hope I shall be able to keep from smiling when I see 
you literally in Michael's boots. 

Dick. Kitty, promise me that you won't give me away. I 
told uncle I was going to Boston, and he thinks I've gone. 

Kitty. Suppose somebody asks for you? 

Dick. Tell them I'm lost, strayed or stolen. 

Kitty (slowly). Well, I promise. 

Dick (walking to d. r.). Now for my interview. 

[EXIT Dick, r. Kitty sits lost in thought, her elbows 
on the arms of her chair, her chin resting on the 
hacks of her clasped hands. 

ENTER Mildred c, advances to l. 

Mildred. Good gracious, Kitty, are you deaf? I have been 
calling you for the last hour. 

Kitty (looking up and sighing). Only day-dreaming, my dear. 
What do you want? 

Mildred (walking to mantel). I wanted to know what you 
were doing. 

Kitty. Well, for once in my life I was doing absolutely noth- 
ing. 

Mildred. How delightful ! I shall help you. (Seats herself 
opposite Kitty.) 

Kitty (rising and going to desk, r. c). Lazy boots! But I 
must not waste any more time, for I have a letter to write. 
(Kitty writes.) 

Mildred (looking around). Where is Dick? I thought he 
was here. 

Kitty (pointing to Mildred with her pen). You old fraud! 
So this is why I am honored. 

Mildred. Of course not, only 

ENTER Dr. Morgan, d. l. 

Doctor (to Kitty). I came to tell you, my dear, that you 
needn't worry about Michael's leaving, for I have engaged another 
butler. 

Kitty. Why did you dismiss old Michael, uncle? 



A Regular Flirt 9 

Doctor. I simply couldn't stand his airs. He got worse and 
worse, until even his manner of saying "Yes, Dr. Morgan," "No, 
Dr. Morgan" (touching an imaginary hat stiMy), drove me wild. 
I think you will find the new man a great improvement. 

Kitty. Where is he? 

Doctor. I sent him to the station to meet the nine o'clock ex- 
press. I thought Dick would go for me, but he decided rather 
hastly to run on to Boston. {Seats himself l. and takes up maga- 
zine. ) 

Mildred (rising). Boston? Why, Kitty, you didn't tell me 
this! 

Doctor (looking up). Did he say anything to you about going, 
Kitty? 

Kitty (nervously playing with her handkerchief) . Er, no — 
I mean yes — that is, I think so. Er — I — he did mention it. 

Doctor. Yes? Then he must have gone. I'm afraid I spoke 
rather hastily, but I never dreamed that he would take me at my 
w^ord. 

Mildred (angrily). Dr. Morgan, I do think you were awfully 
mean to send Dick away, and I won't forgive you an inch. We 
might as well open a femiale seminary at once. (Sits r.). 

Doctor. My dear child, what an extraordinary idea ! 

Mildred (sadly). Three lone, lorn women shut up in the house 
together for two weeks. I shall be forced to get up a flirtation 
with the new butler. 

Kitty (in mock horror). Mildred, how shocking! 

Mildred. Can't help it, my dear ; the situation is desperate. 
Not a single young man. I shall die, I know I shall. 

Doctor (smiling). Where do I come in? 

Mildred. You're a dear old goose, but you couldn't flirt if you 
tried. 

Doctor. Don't be too sure about that. But if you impertinent 
girls haven't the good sense to prefer age and wisdom to youth 
and nonsense, I have a little secret to whisper in your ear that 
may chase some of those frowns away. 

Mildred (rises and goes c). A secret? How perfectly charm- 



ing 



Doctor. You promise to keep it? 

Mildred (clasping her hands). On my word of honor. 

Doctor. You won't even tell Kitty. 

Mildred (goes to Doctor). I won't, I won't. Indeed, I won't. 
(Doctor whispers in her ear.) Not really? (Back to l. c.) 

Doctor. Fact. 

Mildred (walks r.). Oh, it's too good to be true! (Turns.) 
When? 



JO A Regular Flirt 

Doctor. To-night ! I sent the carriage to meet them. It will 
be back soon. {Looks at watch.) 

Mildred. Real live men? 

Doctor. As lively as crickets. 

Mildred. Dr. Morgan, you're the dearest man in all the world. 
Kitty!, Kitty! 

Kitty {looking up absently from her writing). Yes? 

Mildred {enthusiastically) . What do you think? Your uncle 
says his nephews are coming here this evening to spend a whole 
week. 

Doctor {shaking his finger at her). Mildred Hortense Elliot, 
you solemnly promised on your sacred word of honor that you 
would not divulge one word of the secret I have just committed 
to your keeping. What have you got to say for yourself? 

Mildred {penitently). Oh, I'm awfully sorry! I am, truly. 
Do forgive me this time. Kitty had to be told soon, any- 
way. Didn't you, Kitty? Besides, you couldn't expect me to 
keep two whole young men. {Walks u. R.). 

Kitty. There is no great harm done, Mildred, and uncle is 
the one who should be punished. I thought it would be pleasant 
to have a little house-party while you were here, and asked uncle 
to invite the boys. I didn't tell you, for I wanted to give you a 
little surprise. But men can never keep secrets, you know. 

Doctor. I hope Michael — I mean Richards — won't lose his 
way. {Rises.) I think I shall walk to the gate and see if they 
are coming. 

[EXIT Doctor, c. to R. 

Mildred (u. r.). Isn't it glorious, Kitty? 

Kitty. What? {Rises with letter in hand, crosses R.). 

Mildred. Don't be tiresome. You know well enough what 
I mean. I've been simply dying for a fresh flirtation. I haven't 
had one for a month. 

Kitty {raising her eyebrows). Indeed? As long as that? 

Mildred {slowly). The last flirtation I had was at Mrs. Tay- 
lor's cotillion. I promised to work him a sofa cushion in his 
college colors, but I forget what they are, so I consider myself 
free. It would never do to give a Yale man a Princeton pillow, 
now would it? {Sits l.) 

Kitty. I suppose not. {Sits r.) 

Mildred. I wonder if they are good-looking? What are their 
names, Kitty? 

Kitty. Reginald and Theo Morgan. Theo was named for 
uncle. 

Mildred. Then they are vour cousins? 

Kitty. No. They are Uncle Theodore's brother's sons. Dick 



A Regular Flirt It 

and I are his step-sister's children. I haven't seen the boys since 
they were little fellows. 

Mildred. I hope they have brown eyes and curly hair. I adore 
brown eyes. If I ever fall in love with a man whose eyes are 
blue I shall make him dye them. I wonder if they dance? Kitty, 
you provoking girl, you are not one bit excited. I don't believe 
you care a rap. Now, I have a feeling that I shall meet my fate 
to-night. 

Kitty. And Dick? 

Mildred (snapping her Ungers). A fig for Dick! 

Kitty. Sometimes, Mildred, I wonder if you have a heart. 

Mildred. Set your mind at ease, my dear. I have one in a 
most disgracefully flourishing condition. {Thoughtfully.) Reg- 
inald — Theodore — Theodore — Reginald — Mrs. Reginald Morgan 
— Mrs. Theodore Morgan. Which name do you prefer, Kitty? 

Kitty. Neither. I like plain names for men. 

Mildred {gayly). Well, none of your Toms, Dicks or Harrys 
for me. 

Kitty {rising and walking to desk). Perhaps they won't suc- 
cumb to your charms. Perhaps they have sweethearts of their 
own. Perhaps 

Mildred {rising and going to Kitty), Oh, perhaps! perhaps! 
perhaps ! You old croaker. Come into the music-room and 
show me how that new waltz goes. I feel so restless I can't keep 
still. {Places her arm about Kitty's zvaist, drawing her to d. l.) 

[EXEUNT Mildred and Kitty, d. l. 

ENTER Mrs. Mason, followed by Marie, c, from r. 

Mrs. Mason {going down l.). Did you say Mr. Dick had gone, 
Marie ? 

Marie (u. r. c). Oui, Madame. 

Mrs. Mason. Oh, speak English, Marie. 

Marie. Yes, Madam. {Curtsey.) 

Mrs. Mason. Everything is working finely! {Sits L.) Was 
the Doctor very angry? 

Marie {raising her hands, palms outward, and rolling her eyes). 
Parfectly fureeous, Madam ! Hees face so red did get I thought 
he would burst and he told him to aller au diable. 

Mrs. Mason {frowning). Never mind the particulars. 

Marie. Oh, Madam, he called heem terreeble names. I shook 
until the door he r-r-rattled, and scarcely could I through the key- 
hole see. 

Mrs. Mason. What time did he go? 



J2 A Regular Flirt 

Marie. I heard the Doctor Mees Kitty tell that Meester Deeck 
had the 8.30 train taken. 

Mrs. Mason. Good ! Now, the next thing to do is to get rid 
of that Kitty. It will be a difficult task, but I am rarely baffled, 
Marie. 

Marie. Yes, Madam. (Curtsey.) 

Mrs. Mason. Has Michael gone? 

Marie (sadly). Yes, Madam. ' 

Mrs. Mason. That's splendid ! He has been here too long 
and knew too much. Now, when I am married to the Doctor 

Marie (in surprise). Madam! 

Mrs. Mason (frowning). Oh, bother! I did not intend to let 
that slip ! Well, the mischief is done now. Can I trust you, 
Marie? 

Marie (curtsey). Ah, yes. Madam, you can trust Marie. 

Mrs. Mason (thoughtfully). You see, Marie, I am going to 
marry the Doctor. 

Marie (clasping her hands). How romanteek! (Takes step 
u. c.) When? 

Mrs. Mason. Oh, not for some time. In fact, he doesn't know 
anything about it yet, but he will when I am ready. (Rises and 
goes to window, stopping at desk and looking at letters.) So far 
all works beautifully, but we must be discreet and cut our cards 
carefully. You must be a good girl and keep your eyes and ears 
open, and (leaving desk and zvalking to window) you shall have 
a new silk dress to wear at my wedding. 

Marie. Madam ees so kind, so good ! 

Mrs. Mason (looking out of window). Now I must run and 
take an umbrella to the dear Doctor. He is standing there by 
the gate, and it looks like rain. Men always appreciate thought- 
fulness in a woman. 

[EXIT Mrs. Mason, r. 

Marie (looking after her). Ah, Madam ees a wonderful wo- 
man ! She knows how to manage. She should have been born 
one general. 

ENTER Dick, l. to c, in butler's uniform. He carries a dress- 
suit case and golf kit. 

Marie (u. l.). Mon Dieu! The new butler. Ah, he ees one 
fine young man ! Ahem ! (She clears her throat, and as Dick 
looks toward her she curtsies. Dick deposits articles u. R.) Let 
me help you, Meester — Meester 

Dick (u. r.). Thanks. I think I can manage. (Walks 
down R.) 



A Regular Flirt J3 

Marie (following to l. c.) Ah, now don't be deesagreeable, 

Meester — Meester Pardon, but Mees Kitty ees not here to 

introduce. You are the new butler, ees it not? I am Marie 
O'Reilly. My mother called me Marie. She was French and 
what you say — romanteek. 

Dick (r). Was your father French, too? 

Marie (smiling). Non, non; mon pere he was Irish — Mon- 
sieur Patreek O'Reilly. You are the new butler n'est ce pas? 
(Crosses down r.) 

Dick (crossing to l.). Yes, I'm Richards. Is this the mail? 
(Picks up letters from desk.) 

Marie (taking letters from him). Ah, yes ; but I have not feen- 
ished with it yet. (Comes d. l. with letters.) 

Dick (down r.). What do you mean? 

Marie (calmly reading a postal). There ees much for me to 
see to-day. (Holds up letter and examines it with head on one 
side.) Mees Mildred haf write to that offeecer again. Ah, there 
ees a girl! (Looks at Dick.) Don't you always overlook the 
mail? 

Dick (r., sharply). Of course not. 

Marie. That ees very foolish. How can you to know what 
ees to happen eef you never look the letters through ? 

Dick. I consider it none of my business. 

Marie (looking at him in surprise). Ah, that ees one big 
meestake. Everything ees your beesiness. Everything. I think 
you have not butler been long? 

Dick (grimly). No; this is my first position. 
I Marie (pointing to him). Ah, I see ! You are what my father 
call him — green. Let me tell you one thing, my friend. Neever 
neglect the mail, eef you would be wise. 

Dick. Thanks. 

Marie. Now you are cross with Marie. (Advances c.) See, I 
will make you pleased. Do you dance, Meester Reechard? 

Dick (stammers). Yes — no — I don't know. I used to. 

Marie (clapping her hands). Ah, that ees good. You shall 
go \vith me to the ball. 

Dick (advancing c). But 

Marie (raising her hand). No, no, no. I say you shall. 
Michael was to go, but Michael ees not here no more. See, here 
ees the invitation. (Draws card from pocket and shows it to 
Dick.) It ees to be very fine ball. No wash ladies, no kitchen 
ladies — just real ladies and gentlemen, like you and me, Meester 
Reechard. Remember, to-morrow night. (Leaves invitation in 
Dick's hand, and EXIT d. r.) 



14 A Regular Flirt 

ENTER Kitty, c. from l. 

Dick (putting card in pocket and facing Kitty). Well, Kit, 
how do you like me? 

Kitty (going l.). Dick, oh, Dick! How could you? Your 
lovely beard ! I could cry. 

Dick (advancing r. c). Well, for mercy's sake, don't! I had 
to have some disguise ; and it will grow out again, you know. It's 
the wig that bothers me. (Scratches,) My, how stiff I feel! I 
am beginning to realize that old Michael didn't have such a soft 
snap, after all. 

Kitty (advancing c. and patting his shoulder). Poor boy! 
Are you very tired? 

Dick. I have hitherto labored under the delusion that Michael 
did a comfortable lot of posing around, and now I am finding out 
my mistake. 

Kitty (walking l.). Dick, it's a perfect shame! I wish you 
would give up this crazy idea. Here are the boys arriving for 
this house-party, and you have all the work and none of the fun. 
(Sits L.) 

Dick (sitting r.). My dear girl, I am having all the fun im- 
aginable. Why, I have just received a pressing invitation to 
a swell ball. 

Kitty. And you can't go ? Oh, Dick, I am so sorry ! 

Dick. Of course, I am going. I wouldn't miss it for a farm. 

Kitty. But you will be recognized and uncle will be furious. 

Dick. He will be none the wiser, for let me tell you none of 
your exclusive set will be present. (Rises and advances c.) Here 
is the invitation. (Draws card from pocket.) An imposing 
affair, you will acknowledge. (Kitty rises and advancing c, 
looks at card.) ''Tickets fifty cents. Admit gent and lady." I 
am to escort the fair Marie. (Puts invitation in pocket.) 

Kitty (in dismay). Not Mrs. Mason's maid? 

Dick. The same. Won't we make a striking pair? (Sticks 
out elbows and swaggers.) 

Kitty. Dick, you are not really going? Oh, dear I I can just 
picture you waltzing with the cook. 

Dick. You're wrong there. No cooks, chambermaids or such 
common white trash are to be present. Only the select upper 
ten will be there, and I feel quite ''sot up" to think I am honored. 

[Laughter outside. 

Kitty. Here they all come. (Walks l. c.) 

Dick. Now I must prepare to but. (He throws back por- 
tiere L. c.) 



A Regular Flirt J5 

ENTER Mrs. Mason, Mildred, Dr. Morgan, Kitty, Reginald, 
Theodore. Reginald places candy-box on mantel. All ad- 
vance, talking and laughing. 

Positions. 

Dr. Morgan. Mrs. Mason. 

Mildred. Theo. 

Reginald. Kitty. 

Doctor (smiling and rubbing his hands). Here they are, 
Kitty, bag and baggage. Welcome, boys, welcome. This is Lib- 
erty Hall, you know. 

Mildred. And I am the Goddess of Liberty. (Strikes attitude, 
one hand raised at full length above her head.) 

[All laugh. Mrs. Mason and Mildred cross over. EXIT 
Dick. Dr. M. seats himself on chair, r. c. Mrs. 
Mason sits at his right. 

Kitty (looking at boys). How you tw^o have changed! I 
should never have know^n either of you. (Walks to R. c. and 
stands behind her uncle's chair.) 

Theo (speaking with a drawl). Aw — Miss Mildred, I don't 
believe you remember me, for I haven't seen you since you were 
so high. (Measures about a foot from the floor.) You used to 
come and play with Kitty. You wore little bobbed-off skirts, 
don't you know 

Positions. 

Kitty. Reginald. 

Dr. Morgan. Mildred. 

Mrs. Mason. Theo. 

Reg. And you gave me three kisses for five pieces of candy. 

Mildred. I'm sure you are both mistaken. 

Doctor (after regarding boys, turns to Mrs. Mason). Did 
you ever see such boys ? I can't get a word in edgewise. 

Kitty (to Theo). I am so glad you brought your kit. The 
links here are fine. 

Reg. (contemptuously) . He has never played a game in his 
life. 

Kitty. That's all right. He will soon pick it up. 

Theo. It's the simplest thing in the world. (Takes c. All 
stop talking and look at Theo, who illustrates as he speaks.) First 
you make a little mound, so. Then you stick your ball on top 
of it, so. Then you stand off and whack it with your caddy. 



16 A Regular Flirt 

[All laugh. Reginald turns on his heel and walks to 
mantel, taking up candy-box. 
Doctor (clapping his hands). Bravo! Theo, you will soon be- 
come a champion. 

[Reginald gives candy to Mildred. 

Mildred. How perfectly lovely ! A box of candy for me. 

How did you ever guess I wanted some? Chocolates, too, my 

favorites ! (She beams on Reginald, who smiles back at her. 

Theo scowls. Mildred passes candy.) 

Doctor. Did the card club meet here this afternoon. Miss Mil- 
dred? (To Mrs. Mason.) These young ladies are so very pro- 
gressive that they scorn men's society and have formed a club of 
their own — no men admitted. 

Mildred (back in her place, l. c). Yes, indeed, I must confess 
I like to be independent. Will you ring for some water, Mr. Mor- 
gan? I am so thirsty. 

[Reginald and Theo gaze wildly about them. Both spy 
small bell on table, l. c. Both spring forward and 
strike bell. 

ENTER Dick, r. 

Reg. a glass of water for Miss Mildred, Richards. 
Theo. Aw — yes, a glass of water. 
Dick. Yes, sir. 

[EXIT Dick. Reginald takes Theo's seat beside Mil- 
dred. Theo stares at him through his monocle, then 
places a chair close to Mildred's other side and seats 
himself. 
Mildred. I hate to see a girl who can't be happy without a lot 
of men fussing around her all the time. 

ENTER Dick with two glasses of water. Both men spring up 
and each seizes a glass and offers it to Mildred. 

Mildred. Oh, thank you so much ! Dear me, two glasses ! 
Well, I shall be generous and take a sip from each. (She drinks 
first from Theo's glass and returns it to him. He returns glass 
to Dick, who stands scowling at them. Mildred sips from Reg- 
inald's glass, and as he gives it back to Dick, Theo takes seat 
on sofa by Mildred. Reginald returns, sees Theo and scowls. 
Mildred looks up at Reginald, smiles and gives him her fan.) 
You may fan me, Mr. Morgan. It is very warm to-night. (Reg- 
inald takes chair beside Mildred and fans her.) So when Kitty 
suggested this afternoon a card club for girls only, I knew it 



A Regular Flirt J7 

would just suit me. (She drops handkerchief. Both men stoop 
for it and hump heads.) 

Theo. Clumsy! 

Reg. Stupid ! 

[Theo secures handkerchief and gives it to Mildred^ zvho 
smiles at him and then at Reginald. 

Mildred. Thanks. That is my handkerchief. I didn't know 
I dropped it. Now isn't this unfortunate? I detest peppermint. 
(Holds up candy.) 

Reg. (holding out his hand). Give it to me. I adore pepper- 
mint. 

Theo. What a fib ! Miss Mildred, Reginald never eats candy. 

Reg. I am going to eat this bit, however. 

Mildred. You will have to toss up for it. (Men rise and take 
coins from their pockets.)* Now, heads it's yours (nods to 
Theo), and tails it's yours (nods to Reginald). 

[Men toss coins, while Mildred regards them smilingly, 
nibbling the candy until she has eaten the entire piece. 

Theo. Oh, joy! I win. Luck was with me. Where is the 
candy. Miss Mildred? 

Mildred (extending empty hands). Oh, I'm awfully sorry! 
How could I have been so thoughtless? I — I — have eaten it all 
up. (Reginald slaps his knee and laughs.) Never mind, you 
shall have two of the biggest pieces in the box. (Mildred ayid 
Theo hold the box between them, their heads bent together over 
it. Reginald rubs his chin and scowls.) 

Doctor. No, Mrs. Mason, whist is not my strong forte. Chess 
is my great game. 

Mrs. Mason. Why didn't you let me know this before. I 
adore chess. (Kitty brings board and chess men from mantel. 
Doctor sets up pieces as Mrs. Mason talks.) Thank you, dear 
(to Kitty). My dear Dr. Morgan, why do you always speak of 
yourself as an old man? It is perfectly ridiculous. My dear de- 
parted (sighing and raising her eyes to the ceiling) always said 
that a man is as old as he feels. 

Doctor. But, Mrs. Mason, when a man is nearly fifty he can 
no longer consider himself a boy. 

Mrs. Mason. Not a boy, perhaps, but 

Doctor. Check ! 

Mrs. Mason. How funny! I never saw that knight. Now 
where shall I move next? I can't go there, nor there, nor there. 
Oh ! Here's a place. 

[Business playing chess. Kitty watches game. 

Mildred. Why, Mr. Theo, what an awful story ! What do you 
suppose your hrother says? (To Reginald.) He doesn't be- 



t& A Regular Flirt 

lieve I ever saw the sun rise in my life. Did you ever ! Why, 
Fm willing to make a wager with either of you that I shall be 
awake first to-morrow morning. 

Theo. I'll take you up. 

Reg. So shall I. 

Doctor. Checkmate ! 

Mrs. Mason. That's so ! What a fine game you play. (Doc- 
tor collects pieces, puts them in box. Rises.) Let's try another 
game? 

Doctor. Not to-night. I am interested in this wager. 
(Walks c) 

Kitty. But, Mildred, how can you prove it? We all wake 
up early enough. It's the getting up that's so hard. 







Positions.' 






Doctor. 




Theo. 


Kitty. 






Mildred. 


Mrs. Mason. 






Reginald. 



Doctor. You should appoint a meeting-place. 

Mildred. Yes, that's the best way. I vote we have a race. 
Doctor, will you hold the stakes? 

Doctor. With pleasure. (Takes from pocket note-book and 
pencil.) 

Reg. I suggest we meet in this room. 

Mildred. No, indeed ! Who ever heard of anything so pro- 
saic? 

Doctor. How about the billiard-room upstairs? 

Mildred. That won't do at all. We should choose a place 
out-of doors. 

Kitty. The sumxmer-house. 

Mildred. That won't do, either. It's too near. 

Reg. Let's choose the upper end of the tennis court, by the 
gardener's old house. 

Mildred (clapping her hands). Good! That's just the place. 

Kitty. Whoever gets there first to-morrow wins. 

Doctor. Five pounds of Huyler's to a bottle of beer I beat you 
all. 

Theo. A dozen pairs of evening gloves to a cigarette that I 
beat you. Miss Mildred. 

Mildred. How perfectly lovely ! Thank you so much. I 
like the suede, you know. Five and three-quarters. 

Reg. But they are not won yet. 

Mildred. But I shall win. You needn't think for one minute 
that I intend to lose. 



A Regular Flirt <9 

Theo. Aw — Kitty, I don't mind risking a pound of molasses 
taffy to a box of good cigars that I shall get there first, if you 
will kindly show me the way. 

Doctor (going up c). That's it, Theo. Be rash and be bold. 
Now, wait a minute, for I want to register a bet myself. Miss 
Mildred, are you willing? A bunch of violets as big as your 
head shall be yours if you outwit the old man. 

Theo. Hurrah for Foxy Grandpa ! 

Kitty. Mrs. Mason, will you race with me? 

Mrs. Mason. No, thank you. The early morning air does not 
agree with me. 

Doctor. Now that's too bad, for I was about to propose a 
match between us. 

Mrs. Mason (crossing r. c. Kjtty gives way, r.) Of course. 
Doctor, as you are a physician, I can take your advice, and so I 
shall be delighted to enter the contest. 

Positions. 

Dr. Morgan. Theo. 

Mrs. Mason. Mildred. 

Kitty. Reginald. 

Kitty. Aren't you going to race with me, too, uncle? 

Doctor. Certainly, my dear, certainly. What shall be the 
reward of the victor? 

Mildred. A lawn party. Oh ! Do say a lawn party, Kitty. 

Kitty. No, a dance. A great big dance, to be given two 
weeks from to-night. 

Doctor (smiling). But suppose I win? 

Kitty. Then I shall make you a beautiful shaving-ball. 

Mildred. Kitty, if you lose I shall never forgive you. 

[Doctor rings bell. 

Kitty. I suggest that no alarm-clocks be wound in the house 
to-night. 

ENTER Dick, r. 

Theo. Er — I say, Richards, wind mine in the garden. 
Doctor. Richards. 
Dick. Yes, sir. 

Doctor. You need ring no rising bell to-morrow. 
Dick. Yes, sir. 

Mrs. Mason. As we all expect to get up bright and early, I 
propose that we retire now. 



20 A Regular Flitt 

Doctor. A wise suggestion. I second the motion. 

[Business, all say good-night to Doctor. Mildred drops 
handkerchief as she passes out. Dick picks up hand- 
kerchief and puts it into his pocket. Mrs. Mason 
turns as she reaches door and kisses her hand to\ 
Doctor. Dick holds back portiere for all to pass 
out. EXEUNT all, d. l., except Doctor. 
Doctor (u. c.) Now I wonder what she means by that. Poor, 
silly woman ! She is very kind and sympathetic, I must say. 
{Comes down c.) I shall take her into my confidence to-mor- 
row and tell her about my love for Mildred and ask her advice. 

ENTER Dick, d. l. 

Doctor (c). Here, Michael — Richards, or whatever you call 
yourself. 

Dick. Yes, sir. 

Doctor {walking r.). Why — er — I expect to wake up early 
to-morrow. I — er— always do. But — er — your room is directly 
over mine, you know. 

Dick. Yes, sir. 

Doctor. Well — er — when you get out of bed in the morning — 
er — if you will accidentally — quite accidentally, you know — just 
drop your boots down very heavily. {Walks to door, r.) I — er 
— don't mind if it does disturb me. You understand? 

Dick. Yes, sir. 

[EXIT Dr. MorCxAn, d. r. Dick extinguishes candle on 
desk and walks toward mantel. 

ENTER Reginald, d. l. Business, looking on Hoor and under 
chairs. Catches sight of Dick. 

Reg. That you, Richards? Miss Mildred dropped her hand- 
kerchief somewhere in this room. Help me look for it. 

Dick. Yes, sir. 

[Both look diligently in all sorts of impossible places. 

Reg. (l. c). It doesn't seem to be here. Er — I say, Richards. 

Dick (r. c). Yes, sir? 

Reg. You understand you are not to knock at my door to- 
morrow ? 

Dick. Yes, sir. 

Reg. Yes, yes; that's right. You are not by any means to 
knock. But — er — Richards. 

Dick. Yes, sir. 



A Regular Flirt 2J 

Reg. Ah ! you see, Miss Mildred made me give up my watch 
to her, and I shall have no way of telling the time. I shall wake 
up early enough. I always do, but — er — if you will just throw 
a handful of pebbles up at my window at — er — about five to-mor- 
row morning, why — er — (tips him) you won't be sorry. 

[EXIT Reginald^ d. l. Dick crosses to r. and extin- 
guishes all candles except one. 

ENTER Theo, r. Crosses to c. 

Theo. Aw — Richards, Miss Mildred dropped her handker- 
chief and I told her I'd find it for her, don't you know? You 
needn't put out that — aw — light just yet. {Walks l. c). 

Dick. No, sir. 

Theo. Did she — aw — leave it on this chair? {Looks on chair 
by desk.) 

Dick. No, sir. I didn't see it there. 

Theo (coming down r. c). Aw — Richards. 

Dick (crossing to l. c). Yes, sir. 

Theo. I always like to shave very early, and — aw — I wish 
you would bring the hot water to my door about five o'clock. 
(Tips Dick.) 

Dick (looks at tip amd turns up nose). Yes, sir. (Bows 
deeply.) 1 hank you, sir. 

Theo. Don't— aw — mention it. (Goes toward door, r., then 
stopping and turning.) Oh — aw — one thing more. 

Dick (l. c). Yes, sir. 

Theo. You needn't knock at the — aw — door, but when you 
bring the water, don't you know, why — aw — ^just rattle the knob 
vigorously until I answer. I — aw — don't want the water to get 
cold. 

[EXIT Theo, d. r. Dick takes remaining candle from 
mantel and comes dozvn c. He draws Marie's invi- 
tation from his pocket and reads it by light of candle, 
nodding his head. 

ENTER Mildred, l., looking over her left shoulder, and 
Kitty, r., looking over her right shoulder. Both girls carry 
lighted candles and advance to c, where they collide. Both 
scream. Dick starts and drops his candlestick. Picks it up 
and walks r. 

Kitty (r. c). Mildred! What on earth are you doing here? 
Mildred (l. c). Kitty! How you frightened me! I just 
wanted to speak to Richards. 



22 A Regular Flkt 

Kitty. So did I. 

Mildred. Richards. 

Dick. Yes, Miss. 

Mildred (coming down R. c.) Er — that is — I — er — Richards 

Kitty (coining down and going l. c). Out with it, Mildred. 
You came to coax Richards to call you early to-morrow. I 
know you did. 

Mildred (r. c). I didn't at all. You ought to know^ me better, 
Kitty, than to accuse me of being so mean and underhand. I 
just came to coax Richards to turn back the hands of the boys' 
clocks so they will be slow to-morrow. 

Kitty. You old fraud ! And you are the girl who wouldn't 
condescend to anything mean or dishonorable? 

Mildred. Do you think that's mean? It isn't. It will just 
serve them right. Come, now, Kitty, or we shall never be able 
to get up to-morrow. 

Kitty. All right. You run on and I'll follow in a second. 
I want to speak to Richards a minute. 

Mildred. Well, don't be long. 

[EXIT Mildred, d. l. 

Kitty (l. c). Dick. 

Dick (r. c). Oh, Kitty, I don't believe I can stand it. To 
see those little cads flirting with Mildred right under my nose 
makes me perfectly furious. 

Kitty. Oh, they are harmless enough. But I do hate to have 
you miss all the fun. 

Dick. Funf Well, if you call that fun, you are welcome to it. 
But I'll tell you one thing, I shall get even with them yet. They 
shall sleep until the crack of doom for all I care, and I shall meet 
Mildred myself to-morrow morning early and have it out with 
her. The idea of her flirting with those little fools right before 
me ! Why, she actually let that blatant idiot Reginald squeeze 
her hand out there in the hall (pointing d. l.) for two whole 
minutes, and I had to grin and bear it. (Hands in pockets, 
scozvls.) 

Kitty (taking a step toward him). My dear Dick, I 

[Door opens r. Dick hastily crosses to l. Kitty 
gives way, crossing r. 

ENTER Mrs. Mason, l. to c. 

Mrs. Mason. Ah, Kitty — I may call you Kitty, may I not? I 
thought I heard voices. Giving Richards some orders? You 



A Regular Flirt 23 

(coming down c.) are too young to be burdened with household 
affairs. You should let me attend to them for you. 

Kjtty {stiMy). Thank you, Mrs. Mason, but I have kept 
house for my uncle for many years, and never found it too great 
a care. 

Mrs. Mason {crosses r. c). Don't you think you should be 
in bed now, however? It is very late, and you should be get- 
ting your beauty sleep. Come. (Slips her arm through Kitty's.) 
Kitty (drawing her arm away). Very well. Don't forget to 
put out the hall light, Richards. 
Dick. I'll attend to it, Miss. 

[Mrs. Mason walks to door, r., then stands hack and lets 
Kitty pass out first. Mrs. Mason looks steadily at 
DiCK^ who turns and meets her gaze, then quickly 
looks away again. EXEUNT Kitty and Mrs. Ma- 
son, R. 

Dick (to c). The old cat! What's she prowling around 
here for, I'd like to know? (Yawns and goes u. c.) Dear me, 
but I'm tired. This day has been ten miles long. Well, out she 
goes. (Extinguishes candle.) 

CURTAIN. 



ACT XL 

SCENE. — The Doctor's garden. Potted plants here and there. 
Rustic bench down R. c. Well, with tin dipper hanging by 
its extreme R. Large tool-box fastened by a padlock, l. c, 
key in lock. Tzvo Hat stones near tool-box. A garden^ 
trowel to R. of box. A few pebbles scattered in front of' 
bench. Time, early morning. Lights up. 

ENTER Dick in ordinary morning suit, r. 

Dick (c). Hum! I used to think it was a soul-inspiring 
thing to watch the sun rise, but Great Scott ! Of all cold, forlorn, 
disagreeable, uncanny, uncomfortable hours of the day this is the 
worst. (Walks to bench, r.) Talk about the delights of nature, 
pshaw! (Sits on bench, r.) My feet are soaked through and 
I know I shall take cold. (Lifts up one foot and looks at the 



24 A Regular Flirt 

sole.) If it were not for that interview with Mildred I shouldn't 
wait here. (Snee:ses and rises.) There, I knew it! 

ENTER Mildred, l. 

Mildred (starting). Why, Dick, what on earth are you doing 
here ? 

Dick (gloomily) . Looking for worms. 

Mildred. Going fishing? 

Dick. No, but I'm such an early bird I ought to find a lot. 

Mildred. I suppose you intend that for a joke. 

Dick (turns). I am in no humor for joking. Do you usually 
promenade at this unearthly hour? 

Mildred (sitting on tool-box). I fail to see what difference 
it can make to you when I take my constitutional. 

Dick. Oh, of course, if you are going to be huffy, I 

(Pauses.) 

Mildred. Well? 

Dick (sitting on bench, r.). I shall go. 

Mildred. Where? 

Dick. To the deuce. 

Mildred (rising). Oh, Dick! 

Dick. I suppose you thought I had gone. 
- Mildred (swinging her sunbonnet by the strings). You seem 
to imagine I have nothing to do but think about you. (Sits.) 

Dick. Not at all. I understand thoroughly that you are always 
busy with your favorite occupation. 

Mildred. And that is? 

Dick. Flirting. 

Mildred. Why, Dick Harding ! I never flirted in my life. 
I don't know how. 

Dick (rising). It's a pretty good imitation, then. (Turning 
r.) What you can find so amusing in those little cads I can't 
imagine ! 

Mildred. I must say you're a nice one to find fault with me. 
You of all others. 

Dick (facing Mildred). What do you mean? I never flirt. 

Mildred. Here you are, pretending to care for a girl, and 

(Pauses.) 

Dick. Why, Mildred, I never pretended to care for you ! 

Mildred (rising and zvalking excitedly up and dozvn l. c). 
That's right, deny it. I suppose you tell that girl in Boston that 
she's the only one ; and she, no doubt, believes you. Girls are 
such geese. (Stamps her foot.) Why, I even believed you my- 
self once. 



A Regular Flirt 25 

Dick (in surprise). Mildred! How can you talk so? 

Mildred. Oh, of course, you'll deny that, too. I can't say Tm 
surprised. Nothing that you can say would surprise me now. 
(Goes up.) 

Dick (going toward her a step). See here, Mildred, there 
never was any girl but you. 

Mildred (pausing in her walk and facing him). Why did 
you go rushing off to Boston without even waiting to say good- 
bye? 

Dick (in amazement). I didn't. 

Mildred (in sarcastic tones). Indeed! Dr. Morgan doesn't 
usually indulge in prevarications. He leaves that sort of thing to 
his more competent nephew. (Bows deeply to Dick and walks l.) 

Dick (advancing c. to Mildred. She turns from him). Mil- 
dred, listen to me. 

Mildred (her hack toward him). I am listening. Go on. 

Dick. I wish I could explain the whole thing to you now. I 
hope to be able to do so soon. 

Mildred (tossing her head). You needn't trouble yourself. I 
don't find the subject particularly interesting. ^ (Down l.) 

Dick. Perhaps not, but anyway this is not what I came here 
to speak to you about. 

Mildred. It seems, then, that you came for the express pur- 
pose of meeting me? 

Dick. Yes, I did. I don't deny it. 

Mildred (smiling). Strange! And what little bird carried all 
the way to Boston the news that I was to be here? 

Dick (angrily). I tell you I wasn't in Boston. I have never 
been to Boston and I never expect to go to Boston. (Walks R. 
and down.) 

Mildred. You needn't get so mad about it. 

Dick (turning to Mildred). I'm not mad, but you won't let 
me get to the point. 

Mildred (impatiently) . For goodness sake, get there and stay 
there ! You've done nothing but scold me for the last hour. 

Dick. I'm not scolding you and we haven't been here five min- 
utes. 

Mildred. Well, it seems five years. (Turns and walks c.) 
Look here, who gave you permission to shave off your beard? 

Dick. That is neither here nor there. 

Mildred (laughing). It certainly isn't there (pointing to 
DiCK^s face), and I don't want it here (rubbing her chin). You 
look like a freak. 

Dick. Thank you. (Bows stiffly.) 

Mildred (looking at him closely). Dick. 



26 A Regular Flirt 

Dick. Yes? 

Mildred. Button your coat. (Dick fastens a couple of but- 
tons of his jacket.) No, not like that — all the way. 

Dick (fastening jacket). Why? 

Mildred. Because. (Takes a step back to l.) Dick, you 
wicked, wicked boy! (Shakes finger at him.) So you thought 
you could fool me, did you? 

Dick. Er — er — what do you mean? I — I — don't understand 
you. 

Mildred. Oh, yes, you do. You understand me perfectly. 
You — Richards. 

Dick. Well, you see, Mildred, it was this way. (Walks c.) 
The governor and I had a falling out and — oh, it's too long a 
story to tell now, but I didn't want to leave home just at present, 
so I stepped into Michael's boots. They don't fit, either, I'm 
sorry to say. 

Mildred (advancing c). Then you didn't go to Boston at all? 

Dick (putting his arm around her). Of course I didn't go to 
Boston. 

Mildred (disengages herself and walks back to l.) And you 
were here all the time last evening? 

Dick (turns r. and walks r. c). Yes, and that brings me to 
the point at last. (Facing Mildred.) I want to know what you 
meant by flirting so outrageously last night. 

Mildred. And I want to know who gave you permission to 
lecture me. (Walks l.) 

Dick (advancing c). I wish you to understand, once for all, 
that I shall not permit you to accept presents from any man. 

Mildred. How are you going to prevent it? 

Dick. No self-respecting girl would do such a thing. You 
are engaged to me, and 

Mildred. Were, you should say. 

Dick (l.). Why — why, Mildred, surely you don't mean to 
throw me over? 

Mildred. Yes, I do. I am tired of being scolded and treated 
like a naughty child. You are selfish, jealous, and cruel, and — 
here's your old ring. (Takes ring from Unger, turns back on 
Dick and holds ring out.) 

Dick (zvalking to r. c). I refuse to accept it. 

Mildred. And I refuse to keep it. What do you wish done 
with it. 

Dick. I'll be hanged if I care ! Throw it down the well 
(pointing r.) if you don't want it; but you needn't think you can 
get rid of me so easily. 

Mildred. Dick, how horrid you are! 



A Regular Flirt 27 

Dick (walking l.). Here, give it to me. (Takes ring from 
Mildred and walks c.) Once more, do you want it? (Holds out 
ring to Mildred.) 

Mildred. No-o-o. 

Dick. Well, here she goes. (Throws ring down well and goes 
R. Mildred screams and clasps hands.) 

Mildred (half -crying). Dick Harding, I think you are the 
meanest man I know. I shall never (stamp), never (stamp), 
never (stamp) speak to you again. I — I — hate you ! I wish you 
would go to Boston and never come back. My pretty, pretty 
ring! (Covers her face with her hands.) 

Dick (advancing l. to Mildred). Mildred, please forgive me. 
I didn't know you really cared. I'll get you another, if you will 
only stop crying. (Loud cough is heard.) Great Scott (looking 
r.). Mildred, I hear some one coming. If it should be uncle I 
shall be in a pretty fix. (Goes up r. and looks about desperately.) 
Where in thunder shall I go? 

Mildred (lifting lid of tool-box). Here, get into the tool-box. 
Leave the lid open a little way for air. 

[Dick crosses to tool-box and hastily jumps in. Mil- 
dred stands in front of it, nervously twisting her 
bonnet strings. 

ENTER Kitty hastily, r. to c, and Theo runs in, l. to c. 

Kitty (breathlessly fanning herself with her hat). I beat. 

Theo (taking oif Panama hat, wiping his forehead, and fan- 
ning himself with handkerchief). Oh, Kitty! I was a whole 
yard ahead of you. 

Kitty. Why, Theo Morgan! (To Mildred.) Mildred, didn't 
I get here first? 

[Crosses l. and prepares to seat herself on tool-box. 
Theo crosses to r. 

Mildred (pushing Kitty back). Don't. You — you mustn't 
sit there. 

Kitty (back to c, looks at box). Gracious, how you startled 
me! Has it just been painted? 

Theo. Whew ! I'm all out of breath. 

Mildred (looking at box and speaking sadly). I am so afraid 
he will smother. 

Kitty (seating herself up c.) I don't see why he should. I 
ran as fast as he did. 

Theo. Then how do you — aw — account for my getting here 
first? 



28 A Regular Flirt 

Kitty. You didn't. We were about even. I ran the faster, 
but you took the longest steps. 

Mildred (shaking her head). Fm afraid he will die! 

Kitty. Don't you worry about him, Mildred, for he's a pretty 
healthy specimen. 

Theo. My, but I'm thirsty. (Turns r.) 

Kitty. So am I. 

Theo (going to well, r.). Here's a dipper. (Looks into dip- 
per.) 

Mildred (absently looking at box). I hope it has some air- 
holes in it. 

Theo. Aw — what an unkind wish ! I sincerely hope it hasn't. 
(Looks down well.) 

Kitty. You won't find any water in that old well. It's as dry 
as a bone. 

Theo (turning from well). So am I, Kitty. It seems to me 
there should be a spring somewhere around here. (Looks r. 
and L.) 

Theo. Right you are ! I — aw — remember that old spring. 
Let's see if we can find it! (Goes to Kitty^s side.) 

Kitty (rising and holding out left hand). Come, Mildred. 

Mildred. No, I think I shall -yvait here. 

Theo. Miss Mildred is going to stand her ground. Very 
well, if — aw — any one comes before we get back just tell them 
that you saw us. 

[EXEUNT Kitty and Theo, r. Mildred goes up c. and 
watches them out of sight, then rushes u. l. c. to 
tool-box and kneels beside it. 

Mildred (in agonized whisper). Dick! Dick! Oh, Dick, 
you're not dead, are you? (Starts back and looks off l.) I do 
believe he has fainted. Good gracious, here comes some one ! 
(Rises and steps back to u. c.) 

ENTER Reginald, l. 

Reg. (coming c). Ah, Miss Mildred, so you are here 
first? I really thought I was up early. (Pauses and looks anx- 
iously at Mildred.) What's the matter? You look rather pale. 

Mildred. Mr. Reginald, will you get me a drink of water? I 
am so thirsty. (Goes toward tool-box. Reginald walks down 
r. c. a loud sneeze is heard from Dick.) Thank goodness, he's 
alive ! 

Reg. Certainly. Why, what a peculiar noise! 

Mildred (nervously) . It — it was only I. I — I have a severe 
cold. Achoo ! (Forces sneeze.) 



A Regular Flirt 29 

Reg. I'm so sorry! How did you catch it? 

Mildred. In the tool-box. I — I mean I take cold very easily. 

ENTER Kitty and Theo r., and stop u. c. He carries a dipper- 
fid of water. 

Kitty. We thought you might be thirsty, so we brought some 
water for you. 

Reg. I am so glad you did, for Miss Mildred is ready to ex- 
pire. 

[Theo gives dipper to Mildred, then takes out handker- 
chief and Hecks water oif his shoes. Mildred tries 
to swallow a few mouthfuls of water. A loud groan 
is heard, L. All start. Mildred drops dipper. 

Kitty. Did you ever ! What was that ? 

Reg. {taking a step hack). I thought I heard a noise a few 
minutes ago, but Miss Mildred declared I was mistaken. 

Theo {trembling) . May — maybe something has gotten into the 
tool-box? Let's — aw — let's investigate. {Puts monocle to his 
eye and starts forward timidly.) 

Mildred {placing herself between Theo and box). No! no! 
no! It came from that direction {Points R.) 

Kitty. Why, what nonsense, Mildred ! It came from that 
direction. {Points toward tool-box. Another and louder groan 
is heard. All start. Reginald hides behind well.) Ah! There 
it is again. 

Theo {theatrically). 'Tis treason! The foe is at hand. 
{Shoulders dipper.) Arm yourselves, fellow-citizens. {An- 
other groan is heard. Theo staggers back, then rushes forward, 
springs lightly upon tool-box and looks behind it.) Well, I 
never ! If there isn't Uncle Theo ! 

Kitty, The idea! I wonder if he has been there all night? 

[Theo gets off of box. 

Doctor {sitting up and looking at the others from over the 
box, rubbing his eyes). Where in the name of mischief am I? 

Reg. Good morning, uncle. 

Doctor {rising). You young people think yourselves remark- 
ably clever, but you see I have beaten you all. I was here first. 

Positions. 

Kitty. Theo 

Doctor. 

Reginald. Mildred. 

Kitty. I suppose you were up all night? 



30 A Regular Flirt 

Doctor (coming around upper end of box to c). Not at all. 
I simply strolled out in this direction about four o'clock. While 
waiting for you, Miss Lazybones {bowing to Mildred) I took a 
little nap. 

Mildred. Now, Dr. Morgan, you surely don't call this fair? 
You've been sweetly sleeping for the past hour. This was to be 
a test of early awakening, and your eyes are not fairly opened 
yet. 

Doctor. I beg your pardon, my fair foe, this was a contest of 
early rising. I was certainly up before any one of you. 

All. Oh, Uncle Theodore ! 

Doctor {smiling). I see I shall have to yield to the decision 
of the majority. {Catches sight of trowel near box.) That 
wretch Williams gets more careless every day. {Goes to tool- 
box and raises lid an inch or two. Mildred gasps and clasps her 
hands.) I thought so — the tool-box unlocked. {Drops lid, locks 
box and hides key under stone close to box. Mildred covers her 
eyes with her hands.) There, that will give him a scare. He 
will never think of looking under that stone for the key. {Goes 
back to c.) 

Kitty. Williams has one of the dearest little puppies you ever 
saw. Come and I'll get him to show it to you. 

Theo. What are you thinking of, Miss Mildred? You look 
annoyed. 

Kitty. She is trying to solve some such problem as this: If 
one girl can dispose of one pound of Huyler's in two hours, how 
many times will ten pounds go into one, two, three, four, five 
people. {Points to each in turn as she counts. All laugh but Mil- 
dred. ) And I have won my dance ! Isn't it lovely ! Two weeks 
from to-night. I shall have my new gown by then. Uncle, you 
are an angel ! {Advances to R. of Doctor and embraces him.) 

Reg. Miss Mildred, remember you promised me the first 
dance. 

Mildred {looking toward tool-box). Why, Dr. Morgan, I 
never did any such thing! 

Reg. But you are going to. I can see it in your eyes. They 
are always dancing. 

Doctor {to Kitty). I thought you were coming to see the 
puppy. 

Theo. So we are. Come, Miss Mildred — aw — lead the way. 

Mildred {still looking anxiously at tool-box). No, no. I 
think I won't go. {Sighs.) I'm very tired. Besides I have lost 
something and I want to look for it. {Looks about nervously.) 

Reg. Why didn't you say so before? We shall all help you. 

[Business, looking about. 



A Regular Flirt 3 J 

Mildred (sitting on tool-box). No, you all go on, and I shall 
join you in a few minutes. 

Theo (seating himself beside her). Yes, you all go on. 
(Waves hand to others.) We — aw — shall follow presently. 

Mildred (rising). I see I shall have to yield. (Sighs. Busi- 
ness, looking at box.) Well (calls back over her shoulder as she 
walks R.), we won't be gone long. (Sighs.) Oh, dear! 

[EXEUNT Mildred, Theo, Kitty, Reginald and Dr. 
Morgan, r. 

ENTER Mrs Mason, l., followed by Marie. The latter carries 
Mrs. Mason's sunshade, her shawl and a small camp- 
stool. Mrs. Mason looks around, then walks R. and seat^ 
herself. 

Mrs. Mason. We seem to be the only ones here. Ah, Marie, 
you should have been in the library last night to have heard the 
Doctor's words when he begged me to enter the early-rising con- 
test. (Speaks slowly and impressively.) "Mrs. Mason," he said 
*T propose a match between us." Now if that isn't pointed, I 
should like to know what is. 

Marie (u. c). Indeed, Madam, any one with two eyes could 
see that he your lover ees. 

Mrs. Mason. Marie, you are a jewel ! You shall have my 
pink satin w^aist to wear to the ball to-night. 

Marie (curtsies). Thank you, Madam. And I heard him tell 
Mees Keety last night that you wert a wonderful woman. 

Mrs. Mason (smiling and rolling her eyes). You shall have 
a lace collar to wear with the waist. (Lowers her voice.) What 
did Miss Kitty say ? 

Marie. Mees Keety, she say you were wonderfully clever to 
hide your age so well. 

Mrs. Mason (scowling). I'll just thank that interfering Kitty 
to hold her tongue. I was always an attractive girl (tossing her 
head and touching her hair), and I haven't lost my charm yet. 
Mr. Theodore Morgan regarded me with most admiring eyes, and 
I'm sure Mr. Reginald would have asked me to race with him if 
that Mildred had not monopolized all his time. She is the most 
impertinent girl I ever saw, and w^hen L am mistress of the Doc- 
tor's house she shall never darken its doors. 

Marie. Mees Keety seems a nice young lady. 

Mrs. Mason. That's because she's so shy. She's a deceitful 
piece, and I shall open the dear Doctor's eyes to her conduct. 
(Looks off l.) Ah, there he comes. Marie, you may discreetly 
retire. 

[EXIT Marie, r. 



32 A Regular Flirt 

ENTER Dr. Morgan, l. 

Mrs. Mason. Ah, Doctor, you see I have gotten ahead of you 
for once. I have been here for at least half an hour. 

Doctor (c). Indeed, Mrs. Mason, so long? The others are 
all looking for the gardener's puppy. Don't you want to see it? 

Mrs. Mason. Do you mean to say that I am not the first to 
reach here? 

Doctor. My dear Mrs. Mason, surely you don't call this early ? 
Why, the race was won long ago ! 

Mrs. Mason. And I have lost? Never mind! I am sure it 
is delightful here, just you and I alone communing with Nature. 
Don't you adore Nature, Doctor? (Leans forward.) I do. See 
those drifting clouds (pointing to ceiling). Don't you wish you 
could rest upon them and be wafted away and away? 

Doctor (puts on glasses, looks up and starts). By Jingo! They 
look like rain. There will be a storm before night. 

Mrs. Mason. And the lace-work of the leaves. 

Doctor (looking l.). The caterpillars after them again, eh? 
I must speak to Williams. 

Mrs. Mason (sighing). And the beautiful birds; the thrushes 
and the larks. 

Doctor. Sparrows, Madam ; nothing but sparrows. 

Mrs. Mason. Ah, Doctor, I fear you are not sentimental. 

Doctor. No, Mrs. Mason, sentiment is not my style; but I am 
fond of the country. 

Mrs. Mason. So am I. I love it! I adore it! I always 
thought I should be perfectly happy to live in Nature's lap, so to 
speak. To listen to the nightingale's song and watch the dear 
little silk-worms spin (looking down) and (rising with a scream) 
horrors ! what's that nasty, horrid, creepy thing ? Take it away ! 
(Steps back.) Take it away ! (Shudders.) 

Doctor (advancing r. and looking on the ground). My dear 
Mrs. Mason, don't be alarmed ! It's only a beetle. (Stoops, and 
picking up smdll pebble, tosses it over his shoulder.) There! I 
have sent him flying. 

Mrs. Mason (resuming her seat). What was I saying? Oh, 
yes ! How I loved the country. Its calm repose is balm to my 
poor nerves. It satisfies the soul's hunger. 

Doctor (anxiously). Are you hungry, Mrs. Mason? (Walks 
R.) Let me call Richards. I told him to serve breakfast out 
here, and I don't understand why he doesn't do so. 

Mrs. Mason (raising her hand). No, no, don't go. I was 
only referring to the soul-hnngtv — the craving that lies deeply 
hidden in every human heart for — for — you know what I mean, 



A Regulat Flirt 33 

Doctor, don't you? (Clasps her hands and Isans forward, look- 
ing tenderly into the Doctor'^ face.) 

Doctor (c). Not exactly. {Face lights up.) Yes, I do, too. 
You are homesick. 

Mrs. Mason {wiping her eye delicately with one corner of her 
handkerchief). Alas, no! What can the word ''home'' mean to 
one alone in the world as I am? (Sighs.) 

Doctor. I— I beg pardon for my thoughtlessness. 

Mrs. Mason (extending her arms). Ah, Doctor, you under- 
stand. Yon can appreciate the feelings of the widow. 

Doctor (swinging his glasses and turning l.). But I have 
never been a widow. 

Mrs. Mason (dropping her arms and lowering her voice). 
But you, too, are alone. 

Doctor (cheerfully) . I have Kitty. 

Mrs. Mason (smiling). That is true; but how can a young 
girl like Kitty sympathize with a man of your — of your 

Doctor. Age ? 

Mrs. Mason. Position. Age, indeed ! One would think you 
were Methusaleh himself. 

Doctor. How about these? (Points to gray hairs.) I fear 
they are telltales. 

Mrs. Mason. Nonsense ! Why, lots of men turn gray at 
thirty, and bald, too. 

Doctor. You certainly are consoling. You make it so easy 
for me to — to consult you, you know. 

Mrs. Mason (eagerly). Yes? 

Doctor. I want to ask your advice about something. (Starts 
toward her. Mrs. Mason makes room for him on the bench be- 
side her.) I don't suppose I should (hesitates, and then seats 
himself), but Kitty is hardly more than a child, and I feel as if 
I need the help of a wiser, older head. 

Mrs. Mason. I should be only too delighted. 

Doctor (rising, twists his hat awkwardly, looks at his boots, 
clears his throat and smiles inanely). I — I hardly know how to 
say it, but — but — well, the fact of the matter is, I'm in love. 

Mrs. Mason (smiling rapturously). Oh, Dr. Morgan! 

Doctor (seating himself beside Mrs. Mason again). Now, 
here's where I want your advice. Do you think I'm too old? 

Mrs. Mason (leaning against his arm). Oh, Dr. Morgan, this 
is so sudden ! 

Doctor. I don't wonder that you are surprised. I was myself 
at first. It quite took my breath away. (Rises.) Let me leave 
you to think it over a bit. The more you think about it the more 
accustomed 3'^ou get to the idea, you know. 



34 ' A RcgiiUt Flift 

Mrs. Mason (placing her hand on his arm and drawing him 
down). No, no, don't go. To tell you the truth, I — I was 
more or less prepared for this. 

Doctor (in surprise). By Jupiter! Were you? Well, I wasn't. 
I was never more surprised in my life. I can assure you, my 
dear Mrs. Mason. 

Mrs. Mason (laying her head on his shoulder). Won't you 
call me — Dolly? 

Doctor (drawing hack in surprise). Dolly! 

Mrs. Mason (smiling up in his face). Ah, how sweet it 
sounds from your lips! And I may call you Theodore, may I 
not? But no, that is too stiff and formal. I know, I shall call 
you — Dora. 

Doctor (jumping up). Dora! 

[A loud laugh is heard from Dick in the tool-box. 

Mrs. Mason. Good gracious ! What was that ? 

Doctor (going c). I shall investigate. 

Mrs. Mason (clinging to his arm). You mustn't! You will 
be killed. Don't leave me ; don't, or I shall faint. 

Doctor. My dear Mrs. Mason 

Mrs. Mason. Dolly, you mean. 

Doctor. I must find out where that noise came from. (Starts 
toward tool-box.) 

Mrs. Mason (holding him back). If you leave me I shall die. 
I beg, I implore you. 

Doctor. Let me call some one. (Starts d. r.) 

Mrs. Mason. Take — take me with you. 

Doctor (crossly). Well, come, then. 

[EXIT Doctor, r., with Mrs. Mason clinging to his arm, 
half -fainting. 

ENTER Marie, r. 

Marie (coming down r.). Ah, I thought I heard madam to 
call. 

Dick (in tool-box). Marie! Marie! 

Marie (starting and looking R.). Ciel ! What is that? 

Dick (louder). Marie, it is I, Dick — I mean Richards. 

Marie (clasping her hands and looking up). It must be a 
ghost. 

Dick. Marie, don't be frightened ! Listen ! I am in the tool- 
box. I got locked in by accident. Are you alone? 

Marie (turning l. and looking at box). Yes, but ' 

Dick. Then before any one comes take the key from under 
that flat stone in front of this confounded box and let me out. 



A Regular Flirt 35 

Marie (looking about wildly). I cannot find it. I am so 
frightened ! 

Dick (crossly). Don't be stupid! The key is under the stone. 

Marie (lifting stone and taking up key). Ah! I have it. 

Dick. Quick! Unlock the box. 

Marie (trying to unfasten the lock and half -sobbing). I — I 
cannot it turn. (Looks over her shoulder.) Some one is com- 
ing. 

Dick (anxiously). Try again. Try hard. 

[Marie makes one final effort. Turns the key and 
throzvs back lid of box. Then jumps back to C. 
Dick springs out of box. His collar is unfastened 
and his hat is crushed. 

Dick (brushing himself). At last! Of all rusty, dusty, 
musty places that is the worst ! I should have smothered long 
ago but for that hole in the back. Mildred certainly was cruel 
to leave me in the lurch like this. (Locks box and hides key under 
stone.) Well, I must not be caught here. Good-by, Marie. 
You mustn't tell any one of this little episode. Do you under- 
stand ? 

Marie (smiling at Dick). Ah, yes! It is one leetle secret. 

Dick. Yes, it is a secret, and it is my secret. If you tell a 
word of it to a single soul I — I — well, I won't go to the ball with 
you to-night. [EXIT Dick, r. 

Marie (following a few steps after him). 1 won't, I won't. I 
promise you. 

ENTER Mildred l. She rushes hastily past Marie and kneels 
beside tool-box. 

Mildred (in agonizing tones). Dick! Oh, Dick, answer me! 
It is I — Mildred. I have tried so hard to come back, but 1 could 
not get away until now. (Turns over stone.) The key! Where 
is the key? Dr. Morgan put it here. I saw him. (Bends over 
box). Dick, just wait one little minute and you will be free. 
He's fainted ! I know he has fainted. 

Marie (stepping to c). What is the matter, Miss Mildred? 
Did you something lose? 

Mildred (impatiently). Yes, Marie, a key. A little iron key. 

Marie (going to r. of Mildred, pushing one of the stones aside 
with her foot, stooping and picking up key). Is this it? 

Mildred (snatching key from Marie and putting it in lock). 
Yes, yes! Oh, Marie, suppose he is dead! Oh, I can't get it 
open! (Twisting key in lock.) The lock is caught! It is 
broken ! He will die ! I know he will ! Oh, Dick ! Dick ! (She 



36 A Regular Flirt 

succeeds in unlocking the box. Throws hack lid hastily.) Dick! 
{Looks into box and then turns slozvly, gasping in amazement,) 
Why — why, he's gone ! 

Marie {looking at her in surprise) . Who? 

Mildred {wiping her eyes, half laughing and half crying). 
Who? Why, nobody. Of course not! I — I was just silly. One 
minute. {She presses her hands to her head.) Marie. 

Marie. Yes, Mees. 

Mildred {advancing c). Tell me the truth, Marie, and Fll 
give you anything you want. 

Marie {meekly). Yes, Mees Mildred. 

Mildred. Have you been here long? 

Marie. Not very long. 

Mildred. Did you see a man here a little while ago? 

Marie {nodding). Yes, Mees. 

Mildred {anxiously). Who was it? 

Marie. Dr. Morgan. 

Mildred {impatiently). I don't mean him. I mean — how 
shall I describe him? Why, you know — Richards. Have you 
seen him? 

Marie {shaking her head). No, Mees Mildred. 

Mildred. Marie, who opened that box? {Points L.) 

Marie {smiling blandly). You did. 

Mildred. But I mean before I touched it. Who took the 
key from under that stone and undid the lock? 

Marie {shrugging her shoulders). I don't know. 

Mildred {sharply). Did you see any one get out of the tool- 
box? 

Marie. No, Mees. 

Mildred. Sure ? 

Marie. Sure. 

Mildred {sighing). Well, he certainly got out somehow, for 
he couldn't have melted away. Never mind, Marie, I see you 
know nothing. It is not very important, anyway. I thought 
there was something in the box that I v/anted, but {raising the 
lid and letting it fall again) there isn't. That's all. I must 
have been dreaming. {Listens intently.) I hear the others com- 
ing. I — I must brace up. You needn't say anything about my 
being here. 

Marie. Yes, Mees — I mean, no, Mees. 

Mildred. And, Marie, if you should see Richards tell him 
that Dr. Morgan wants him to serve breakfast out here. 

[EXIT Mildred, r. Marie watches her out of sight, 
then stamps her foot. 

Marie. Mees Mildred loves Reechard. She shall not have 



A Regular Flirt 37 

heem. She ees one beeg peeg ! If she does not let heem alone I 
will make it some warm for her. [EXIT Marie, l. 

ENTER Dr. Morgan and Theo, r. 

Doctor (advancing c). Well, my boy, you say you wish to 
speak to me alone. Now is your opportunity. Is anything wrong ? 

Theo (crossing to l.). I'm afraid there is, sir. I feel very 
anxious about my health. 

Doctor (looking at Theo ovei' his glasses). You don't mean 
it ! Come to my office this evening. 

Theo. I can't come to-night very well. Miss — aw — Mildred 
has promised to go rowing with me. 

Doctor (smiling). Then come to-morrow^ morning at eleven. 

Theo (swinging his cane). I'm awfully sorry, but Miss Mil- 
dred wants me to — aw — play golf with her then. 

Doctor (frowning) . Suppose we say to-morrow night? 

Theo. Really, uncle, it's too bad, but we are all going sailing 
and I — aw — promised to teach Mildred how to steer. Can't you 
prescribe for me here? I'll tell you all my symptoms. (Scats 
himself on tool-box, crossing his knees.) 

Doctor (sitting on bench r. and lighting a cigar). I know 
we shall be interrupted, but let's hear them. 

Theo (swinging one foot). In the first place, I've lost my 
appetite. I — ^^aw^ — couldn't eat a mouthful of, breakfast, and I'm 
not hungry now. Then I hardly slept a wink last night. I laid 
awake and tossed about until nearly daybreak. A thing I never 
did in all my life before, don't you know ? 

Doctor. Perhaps you were nervous and afraid of over-sleep- 
ing. 

Theo. Fm sure it wasn't that. I — aw^ — haven't a nervous tem- 
perament. I simply got thinking about Miss Mildred. I — aw — 
mean about lots of things, until I got wider and wider awake. 

Doctor. Why didn't you try not thinking about her — I mean 
them? 

Theo. I did, but the more I determined not to do so the more 
she — I mean they — would pop up in my mind. She's an awfully 
jolly girl, isn't she, uncle? 

Doctor (looking at his cigar). Any other symptom? 

Theo. Yes. There's my heart itself. It cuts up all sorts of 
capers. At times it beats so rapidly it fairly takes my breath 
away. 

Doctor. Let m.e listen to it. (Rises, and going to Theo, places 
his ear on Theo's chest.) That's a pretty healthy beat! 

Theo. Oh, it's all right now, but you should have heard it 



38 A Regular Flirt 

a few minutes ago, when I was talking to Miss Mildred. Why, 
it kept up a regular tattoo ! Then when she left us for a second, 
it seemed to stop beating and sank down, down, down, until I 
thought it would come out of the heels of my boots. I — aw — 
never knew I had a heart before, but ever since I came into your 
library last night it hasn't given me a minute's peace. 

Doctor. Does it seem to expand one minute with rapturous 
joy and the next feel as heavy as lead? 

Theo {waving his cane). That's it! That's just the way 
I feel! 

Doctor. Are you happy, sad, elated and depressed all in the 
course of a second? 

Theo. Yes, yes. You describe my sensations exactly. Now 
what shall I take to cure me? 

Doctor (shaking his head). My dear boy, I fear your case is 
a serious one. 

Theo (anxiously). But, uncle, won't you prescribe for me? 

Doctor. No medicine I might order would do you a particle 
of good. For your disease there is no remedy. 

Theo. Then it can't be the grippe? 

Doctor (smiling). You are suffering from a far more ancient 
ailment. 

Theo. Then it can't be appendicitis, for that, too, is a com- 
paratively modern complaint. 

Doctor. No, it isn't appendicitis or peritonitis, or any other 
-itis. 

Theo. You — you alarm me terribly. Do — do you think I'd 
stand any chance if I — went away — say to — aw — Colorado? 

Doctor. You might travel from "Greenland's icy mountains 
to India's coral strands," but everywhere would the demon of un- 
rest follow you. My boy, you have fallen a victim to Cupid's 
poisoned arrows. 

Theo (in disgust). Pshaw! You only mean I'm in love. 

Doctor. Only in love ! Theo, when you reach my age you will 
not speak so flippantl3^ 

Theo. Oh, what a scare you gave me! I thought you were 
going to tell me that my heart was all played out. 

Doctor. And when I tell you far worse news you scoff. Why, 
boy, your heart is completely gone, and the best thing you can do 
is to get one in exchange as soon as possible. 

Theo. Thanks, but I haven't known her long enough. She'd 
— aw — think me crazy. 

Doctor (smiling). No girl thinks a man crazy when he tells 
her he loves her. Take my advice and waste no more time. 
Where is Reginald? I want to see him. 



A Regular Flirt 39 

Theo (crossly). I don't know, and I don't care. 

Doctor (raising his eyebrozvs). Why, what's the matter? 
Have you and Reginald quarrelled? 

Theo (tapping his foot with cane). Of course not; but Regi- 
nald is such a blooming jay he makes me — aw — tired. 

Doctor (in surprise). Reginald a jay? 

Theo (angrily). Yes. He hasn't the sense to know when he 
isn't wanted. All the time I was talking to Miss Mildred he 
kept sticking in his oar. Who wants his opinions? Nobody. 
Hasn't he brains enough to clear out when he sees a man talking 
to a pretty girl? 

ENTER Reginald, r. 

Positions. 

Reginald. 
Doctor. Theo. 

Reginald. Hello, Theo! That you? I thought you were 
with Miss Mildred. 

Theo. The deuce you did ! I suppose that's why yon — aw — 
came toddling after me. 

Reg. By thunder ! What do you mean.? 

Theo (lightly). Oh, nothing, nothing. Before I'd poke my 
nose where it wasn't wanted I'd see myself in Halifax. 

Reg. (bitterly). I suppose you refer to my interrupting your 
conversation a moment ago, but you evidently don't know my 
reasons for so doing. 

' Theo. Reasons ? Rot ! You are so — aw — everlastingly con- 
ceited that you fancy nobody sees through your precious motives, 
but let me tell you, my fine sir, I'm not such an ass as you take 
me for. 

Reg. You remind me of a verse I heard the other day. It 
ran something like this: 

"How he loves its gentle gurgle! 

How he loves its fluent flow ! 
How he loves to wind his mouth up ! 
How he loves to let it go!" 

Doctor (rising). That's pretty severe, Reginald. 
Reg. He deserves it, uncle. I have offered to explain, but he 
won't shut up long enough to let me. 

[EXIT Doctor, l. 
Theo. Oh, I don't mind his jabber. 
Reg. Are you not aware that Miss Mildred asked me to meet 



40 A Regular Flirt 

her in front of the gardener's cottage? The fact that you were 
forcing your society upon her would certainly not interfere with 
my keeping my appointments. Your presence didn't disturb me 
in the least. I simply overlooked such a trifle. 

Theo (angrily). That's not true and you know it. I don't 
believe she ever promised to meet you. 

Reg. Your believing it or not doesn't alter the facts. Miss 
Mildred is too polite to let you know how welcome any interrup- 
tion would be to a tete-a-tete with you. 

Theo. You think you're awfully smart. It's a good thing you 
don't know Miss Mildred's opinion of you. 

Reg. {drawing a long suede glove from his pocket). Perhaps 
you recognize this glove. She gave it to me not long ago for a 
little souvenir. {Holds glove aloft and regards it tenderly.) 

Theo. Pshaw ! I can match you. {Draws long snede glove 
from his pocket and holds it up.) There's the mate. {Puts 
glove in his pocket.) 

Reg. {putting glove into his pocket.) She has promised to go 
sailing with me this afternoon. 

Theo. I hope she won't get wet and take cold, for we are go- 
ing to play golf to-morrow. 

Reg. {doubling up with laughter). Golf, eh! Golf! You? 
Golf! Excuse me, but — ha! ha! ha! You! Golf! It's too 
much ! 

Theo {scornfully) . You seem to be vastly amused. 

Reg. {clapping his knees). I am. Golf! Golf! You! By 
Jupiter, that's rich. I haven't had such a good laugh for an 
age. Take my advice and practice by yourself first. Why, I 
don't believe you know a brassie from a lofter ! 

Theo. I know you have brass enough to make a good-sized 
tea-kettle. I understand golf as well as you do chess, and you 
actually promised to play with Mildred. {Laughs.) You! 
Chess ! Why, you don't know a pawn from a pill. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
You — chess ! Poor girl ! I certainly do feel sorry for her. 

ENTER Mildred, r., leading a small dog. 

Mildred {down c). Whom do you feel sorry for? 

Theo ) 

P C {springing to meet her). For you. 

Mildred {looking from one to the other). And why do I need 
so much sympathy? 

Theo {at Mildred's left). Reginald says he is going to play 
chess with you. He has never played a game in his life, you 
know. 



A Regular Flirt 4J 

Reg. {at Mildred's right). If you play golf with Theo, Miss 
Mildred, I advise you to wear a mask. 

Theo. If you go sailing with Reginald, you had better make 
your will first. 

Reg. But you probably won't go, for Theo says he expects to 
take you rowing. Better get your life insured. 

Mildred. See here, I have no desire to find a watery grave 
just yet. I'd rather sit in the hammock and let you read to me. 

Theo. Thanks, awfully ! Reginald has a bad cold, but I have 
a jolly little book that you'd like, I know. 

Mildred {smiling at Theo). So good of you. Reginald can 
help me unravel my silk while you read aloud. It is in a ter- 
rible snarl. {Stoops and pats dog.) Oh, you dear, darling little 
puppy ! 

Reg. It's a perfect shame, Miss Mildred, to waste so much 
affection on a dog. Now we poor men would be unspeakably 
happy if you would only address us in such endearing terms. 

Mildred {smiling at Reginald). Would you really like it? 

Reg. Just try me and see. 

Mildred. Very well. You dear, darling little puppy, will you 
give me that book? 

Theo {laughing heartily). Good! good! That was fine! Pup- 
py! Puppy! {Points to Reginald with his cane.) So appro- 
priate, you know ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! 



ENTER Dick and Marie, r., carrying set table, which they place 
c. Dick brings in camp-stools and advances r. c. 



Dick. Breakfast is served. 

Mildred {extending her hand to Reginald, who clasps and 
holds it). Please forgive me. I was only teasing. 

Dick {angrily). Breakfast is served. 

Reg. {scowling). Didn't you hear Richards say breakfast was 
served ? 

Mildred {drawing her hand away). How lovely! I am sim- 
ply starving. It is delightful to breakfast out here where it is 
so picturesque. 

[They all approach table. 

Theo. May I sit beside you. Miss Mildred ? 

Mildred. Yes, indeed! I was just about to suggest your do- 
ing so. Richards, call the others. They are around somewhere. 

[Richards walks R, 



42 A Regular Flirt 

ENTER Kitty and Dr. Morgan, with Mrs. Mason clinging to 

his arm, R. 

Positions. 

Mrs. Mason. Dr. Morgan. 

Reginald. Theo. 

Kitty. Mildred. 

Table. 

Doctor (looking around and smiling). Now, isn't this jolly? 
[Dick and Marie wait upon the table. Reginald and 
Theo both pass cups to Mildred and the dishes meet 
with a crash before her. 

Theo (an^ri/j; To Reginald). Clumsy! Why in thunder don't 
you look what you're doing? 

Reg. It was all your fault. You're so confoundedly officious. 

Doctor. Gently, boys, gently. There's enough for all. 

Mrs. Mason {to Doctor). Dora, dear, will you give me a 
fork? 

Theo {aside to Kitty). Who the mischief is ''Dora, dearf 

Reg. {to Theo). She means you. That's your name. 

Theo {angrily). It is not. 

Mrs. Mason {placing her hand on the Doctor's arm), Dora, 
dear, will you give me a fork? 

Reg. Are you speaking to Theo, Mrs. Mason? 

Mrs. Mason. Of course not ! I was speaking to my dear Doc- 
tor. {Looks at Kitty's astonished face.) I suppose you are a 
little surprised to hear this, but it slipped out. We shall have to 
tell them the rest now, won't we, Dora, dear? {Smiles sweetly 
at Doctor, who jumps every time she says Dora.) 

Doctor {much flustered) . Eh? Ah! What? Are you speak- 
ing to me, Mrs. Mason? 

Mrs. Mason {tapping Doctor playfully on the arm). Dolly, 
dear. Don't you remember I gave you permission to call me 
Dolly? 

Doctor {rising). Eh? Why — er — yes. I — I believe you did 
say something about it. Ah! {Puts hand into pocket.) I must 
get my cigars. 

Mrs. Mason {drawng him down into his chair). Send Rich- 
ards, Dora, dear. He can find them, I know. I want you to 
help me tell these young people our little secret. 

Doctor {rising). Richards doesn't know where they are kept. 
I must go myself. 

Mrs. Mason {rising). Then I shall go, too. I shall not let 



A Regular Flirt 43 

my dear, precious Dora take that long walk all by himself with 
no little Dolly to keep him company. 

Doctor {taking cigar-case from pocket). Ah! I find I have 
one here. I need not go, after all. {Seats himself.) 

Mrs. Mason {sitting beside him and looking fondly up into his 
eyes). Shall we tell them now, Dora, dear, or shall we wait? 

Doctor. Haven't you made a little mistake, Mrs. Mason? I 
think you must have misunderstood me. 

[Kitty, Mildred, Reginald and Theo^ business, eating 
and looking in surprise at Doctor. 

Mrs. Mason {sadly). Ah, I see! You are provoked with me 
because I let it slip. 

Doctor. No, it wasn't exactly that. 

Mrs. Mason {wiping her eyes). I'm so glad that you are not 
angry with your poor little Dolly. 

Doctor {springing up). I shall have to go for those cigars. 

Mrs. Mason. I thought you said you had them. 

Doctor. Yes, but these are the wrong ones. Besides I want 
a match. (Dick gives Doctor match, which he throws away.) I 
mean my pipe. Yes, that's it. I want my pipe. 

Mrs. Mason {rising and slipping her arm through his). You 
must let me go with you. I am sure you don't feel well. Your 
face is flushed and you seem feverish. Come. 

Doctor {looking from Mrs. Mason to the group about the 
table). But — but I don't want to take you away. 

Mrs. Mason {smiling at him). Why, Dora, dear, you know I 
shall be only too happy to help you. 

[EXEUNT Doctor and Mrs. Mason, r. The others 
watch them, and then all laugh. EXIT Marie lead- 
ing dog, R., and Dick, l. 

Kitty {pointing after Doctor with bit of celery). What in the 
world do you suppose that means? 

Reg. {putting dozvn his tea-cup). I should say that ''Dora, 
dear," was going it pretty strong! 

^^ Theo. Did you ever see any one look so utterly miserable as 
"Dora, dear?'' Do you suppose we should congratulate them? 

Kitty {throwing dozvn her napkin). She is a mean, horrid, 
vulgar, designing old cat ! I don't believe he ever proposed to 
her. 

Theo. She has evidently made up her mind to — aw — become 
our auntie. 

Kitty. She shan't ! I shall never call her aunt, anyway. 

Mildred {looking from Theo to Reginald). See here, you 
boys should do something to help your poor uncle. It's a per- 
fect shame ! 



44 A Regular Flirt 

Reg. What can we do ? The old lady is undeniably clever, and 
has cut her cards very neatly. 

Mildred (contemptuously). Pshaw! Three great, big, strong 
men perfectly powerless before one silly woman. I'm ashamed 
of you ! 

Theo. Do you really care, Miss Mildred? 

Mildred. Of course I do ! I love the dear old Doctor, and 
hate to see him so wretched. 

Theo (proudly). That's enough! Your wish is my law. I 
shall make it my business to see that he is set free. 

Mildred (extending her hand to Theo). You are an angel! 

Reg. He's a presuming idiot, you mean 1 How can a donkey 
like Theo manage an affair of this sort? It takes tact, skill, 
diplomacy and brains to cope with such a woman. I shall man- 
age it. 

Mildred (withdrawing her hand). Thank you so much. With' 
two such able assistants we should conquer. Here's success to 
our undertaking! (Raises her coffee-cup. All stand and drink 
toast.) 

Kitty (seating herself). Uncle Theo is the soul of honor. If 
he has uttered one word which that woman could possibly con- 
struct into a proposal, he will marry her in spite of all you can 
do or say. 

Mildred (laughing). I'll marry him myself first. (Seats her- 
self.) 

Theo. Don't you worry, Miss Mildred, we'll fix it. We'll 
jolly her along until she won't know where she stands. 

Kitty. You'll have to be careful, for she is perfectly capable 
of sueing the Doctor for breach of promise. 

Reg. (sitting beside Mildred). I have it. Er — Theo, you can 
help if you wish. 

Theo (seating himself and crossing his knees). Oh, I can, 
can I? Thanks. 

Reg. Yes, you can propose to her and then she'll drop the 
Doctor like a hot potato. 

Theo (looking at Reginald through his monocle). And what 
am I to do after she has dropped the Doctor? I don't propose 
to have "Dolly, dear/' shipped off on me. 

Reg. Oh, you can wriggle out of it somehow. Worms can 
always crawl, you know. 

Theo (sweetly). Do you — aw — speak from your own experi- 
ence? 

Reg. (bowing). Yes, it has been my misfortune to spend 
many years in your company. [All laugh. 



A Regular Flirt 45 

Theo (drawling). Aw — laugh everybody! Ha! ha! ha! 
Reginald has made a joke. 

Mildred (to Theo). Really, Mr. Morgan, that isn't a bad idea 
of your brother's. You see, after she has accepted yon, you 
might let fall some hint of Reginald's brilliant future, and then 
he can propose to her and she'll drop you. 

Theo (clapping his hands softly). That's a fine plan, and will 
let me out of it beautifully. 

Reg. (ruefully). But — but what am I to do then? 

Theo (clapping Reginald on the back). Oh, you can crawl. 
Worms always do. 

Kitty (anxiously). I am afraid you boys are going to get 
yourselves into trouble. You are playing with edged tools (Theo 
takes handkerchief from his pocket, and in doing so pulls out a 
girl's glove.) The idea! If that isn't my glove! I have been 
looking high and low for it. 

Theo (looking at Kitty in ainazenient) . Your glove. 

Reg. (drazving glove from his pocket). Your glove! 

Kitty. Yes, my gloves. Well, I declare ! 

Mildred (laughing). Oh, Kitty, I beg your pardon! I meant 
to tell you about it, but I forgot. You dropped them in the 
path and I found them. Theo wanted a souvenir so I let him 
have one, and Reginald stole the other. 

Kitty. Well, I must say that's cool ! I'll thank you for my 
gloves. (She holds out her hand and the boys return her gloves.) 

ENTER Dr. Morgan_, r. He hastily rushes c, then turns and 

looks R. 

Theo. Hello, Dora, dear ! What's up ? 

Doctor (nervously). That confounded woman will be the 
death of me! I can't shake her. (Listens.) Here she comes! 
I knew it. Where can I go? 

Mildred (raising lid of tool-box). Here's a good hiding-place. 

Doctor. No, thank you ; but I can squeeze behind it. 

[Doctor hides behind tool-box. 

Positions. 

Table. 
Reginald. Doctor. 

Box. 
Mildred. 
Kitty. Theo. 

ENTER Mrs. Mason, r. 



46 A Regular Flirt 

Mrs. Mason (looking through her lorgnette). I thought Dr. 
Morgan was here. 

Theo. Didn't he go to the house with you? 

Mrs. Mason. Yes. He said he had a headache and was going 
to lie down. I said I would read to him and went to get a 
book. When I came back he was gone. I thought I caught a 
glimpse of him out here, but (looking around) I must have been 
mistaken. 

Reg. Did he have a fishing rod with him? 

Mrs. Mason. I don't know. 

Reg. Because, if he had, he has probably gone fishing oiY those 
high rocks close to the shore. (Points up r.) It is his favorite 
spot. 

Mrs. Mason. Thank you so much. 
EXIT Mrs. Mason, r. There is silence while they all watch her 
out of sight. Then Dr. Morgan comes cautiously forward 
to c. and leans back against table perfectly limp. All crowd 
about him. 

CURTAIN. 



ACT III. 

Two Weeks Later. 

SCENE. — Same as Act I. Time, evening. If possible, -fire in 
grate under mantel, r. c. Poker and tongs by -fireplace. Flow- 
ers, plants and lights give room festive appearance. Tete-a- 
tete sofa down l. Chair r. No desk. Large picture hangs 
L. c. Portieres drape doorways. Lights up. 

Dick is DISCOVERED .yf^fm^ r. ENTER Kitty, c, from r. 

Dick rises. 

Kitty (drawing on gloves). Oh, Dick, I am so glad you are 
here alone ! Now tell me honestly, how do I look ? ( Walks 
slowly across to l., looking over her shoulder at her train.) 

Dick (watching her). Simply ripping! How many poor fel- 
lows are you going to slay to-night? 

Kitty. Oh, I shan't be the belle of the ball by any means. 
(Looks up at Dick.) Why, what's the matter, Dickey boy? You 
look annoyed. 



A Regular Flirt 47 

Dick. It's that confounded maid of Mrs. Mason's ! She nags 
the life out of me. Ever since I took her to that ball my life 
hasn't been worth living. 

Kitty. Are you sure you haven't given her some encourage- 
ment? 

Dick. Encouragement f If I encouraged her she'd fall down 
my throat. I'm worn out dodging her. When she comes into 
the kitchen I'm busy in the pantry. When she tries the pantry 
I tackle the dining-room. (Sighs.) If I can get safely through 
to-night I'll be all right. 

Kitty (sitting l.). What's going to happen to-night? 

Dick. Why, I wrote to Mr. Humbert for that position in his 
bank, and as he is coming here to this dance I can get my answer. 
In the meantime I must lie low and avoid the fair Marie. 

[EXIT, R. 

Doctor (cautiously looking in d. l.). Is Mrs. Mason here? 

Kitty (looking up and smiling). Do you want her? Shall I 
call her? 

Doctor (coming down r. c). For mercy's sake, don't! She 
is giving me nervous prostration. I can't stand it much longer ! 

ENTER Theo and Reginald^ r., drawing on white kid gloves. 

Theo. And how's "Dora, dear?" 

Doctor (angrily advancing and shaking his £st in Theo^s face). 
Theo, I'm not a quick-tempered man, but I am desperate. If you 
dare address me by that title again I'll knock you down. 

[Theo staggers back. Kitty crosses to c. Reginald 
gives way. EXIT Doctor, l. 

Theo (looking after Doctor, then walking down L.). Poor 
fellow! (To Kitty.) Is she still at it? 

Kitty (c). I thought you were going to propose to her and 
set uncle free. 

Theo. I did, last night in the summer-house. 

Kitty. What did she say? 

Theo (swinging his monocle). She was — aw — immensely flat- 
tered, but — aw — non-committal, don't you know. I am to have 
my answer to-night. 

Reg. (r.). I proposed to her also, but the fair Dolly is evi- 
dently foxy. She wishes to weigh the relative value of our 
several inducements. 

Kitty. I want to speak to Mildred a minute, so I shall leave 
you to entertain each other. 

[EXIT Kitty, l. 



48 A Reg'ular Flirt 

Reg. (to Theo). How she could resist you I can't imagine! 
Merely your personal appearance should have settled the question. 

Theo (sitting l.). Well, you imagine that all you — aw — have 
to do is to look at a girl and she'll — aw — melt, don't you know. 
Thank fortunes they have some sense, or you — aw — wouldn't be 
a bachelor to-day. 

Reg. (sitting r.). Laugh away while you have the opportunity. 
When this evening is over you will be pulling a long face. To- 
night / intend to ask Miss Elliot to become my wife. 

Theo. I hope she lets you down easy. 

Reg. (smiling loftily). So you fancy I shall be refused! Ah, 
well, of course I can't repeat to your curious ears the reasons 
I have for feeling sure of a favorable reply. 

Theo (looking at Reginald through his monocle). By Jupi- 
ter ! You — aw — are the coolest piece of impudence ! Can't you 
see that she cares no more for you than she — aw — does for a — 
aw — cabbage ? 

Reg. That's all you know about it. Perhaps you are not 
aware that she calls me Reginald. (Smiles blissfully.) 

Theo. Pshaw ! She's called me Theo for two whole days. 
Besides, she has promised me the — aw — supper dance to-night, 
and after it is over I (laying his hand' affectedly on his chest) 
shall ask her to become Mrs. Theo Morgan. 

Reg. Poor boy ! You have my deepest sympathy. 

Theo (loftily). Aw — thanks, but you will need it all for your- 
self. 

ENTER Mildred^ r. to c. Theo and Reginald rise. Business, 
regarding Mildred with admiration. 

Mildred. How devoted you two are ! It is lovely to see broth- 
ers such good friends ! 

Theo (advancing l. c). It's awfully good of you to wear my 
roses. 

Mildred (looking at lowers). It was awfully good of you to 
send them. They go so nicely with my gown. 

Reg. (scowling at Theo.). Your roses? I like your cheek! 
I sent those flowers to Miss Elliot. (Advances R. c.) 

Theo (to Reginald). I beg your pardon. 

Reg. I beg yours. 

Mildred (raising her left hand). Wait a minute, for you are 
both right. Fortunately for me, you were both partial to the 
same color, so I took some from each offering to wear here 
(pointing to shoulder), and the rest I intend to carry. But I 
consider you both very rude. I have been here for at least five 



A Regular Flirt 49 

minutes and you haven't said a word about my gown. Don't you 
like it? 

Reg. (enthusiastically). It's the jolliest rig I ever saw! What 
do you call it? A Kimona? 

Theo (laughing heartily). Kimona! That's rich ! Kimona! 
Ha ! ha ! Don't you know a tea-gown when you see one? 

Reg. Really, Miss Mildred, you look swell ! That tully, netty, 
chiffony stuff is simply bewitching. 

Mldred (holding out her hand to Theo). Oh, Theo, will you 
fasten my glove? My fingers are all thumbs. 

Theo. I shall be delighted. (He smiles triumphantly at Reg- 
inald^ who scowls hack.) 

Mildred. So kind of you. And I know Reginald will fasten 
the other one for me. (Holds out other hand to Reginald.) He 
is so good-natured. (Both men bend over her gloves. Mildred 
smiles first at one and then at the other.) 

ENTER Dick, l., sees Mildred, frowns, crosses stage, and is 
about to EXIT r., when Mildred calls him. 

Mildred. Richards. 

Dick (turning). Yes, Miss. 

Mildred. Come here a minute. I want you. (Dick comes 
to front of stage, l.). Will you just tie my slipper ribbon for 
me? Theo and Reginald are both busy. 

[Dick advances, kneels at her feet, tying ribbon. 

Reg. Now, I call that unfair to rob me of that pleasure. 

Theo. Miss Mildred evidently knows you are not to be de- 
pended upon. 

Reg. (sneering). Indeed! Was that the reason she dispensed 
with your services? 

Mildred. Now, boys, stop joking and listen to me. Thank 
you, Richards, that's all. (Waves her fan. Dick EXITS an- 
grily R.) I don't want to be a wall-flower to-night. 

Theo. There's no danger of that. 

Mildred. There's no telling. I'm a comparative stranger in 
this part of the globe and I may be left lamenting. I want you 
both to promise to look out for me. 

Theo. I shall ask you for every dance. 

Reg. So shall I. 

Mildred. No, you mustn't do that. People might think I was 
engaged to one of you, and then see what a stupid time I should 
have. 

Reg. What do you want us to do? 

Mildred. I want you to watch me, and the very minute you 



50 A Regular Flirt 

see a dance beginning and I am sitting like "Patience on a monu- 
ment" I want you to rush up and say : "My dance, I believe, Miss 
Elliot/' 

Theo. And — aw — what must we do when you are dancing 
with the other fellows? 

Mildred (fanning herself). Why, then you can find a little 
partner for yourselves. 

Reg \ (^^S^t^^^)' Oh, I see! 

Theo. Well, you can count upon me, but Reginald can't dance 
for a cent. 

Reg. (angrily). I can so ! I have been practising all the morn- 
ing, and I get on finely. 

Mildred (to Reginald). Whom did you practise with? Theo? 

Reg. (contemptuously) . No, I took a chair, and I could man- 
age all but the music. It put me out to whistle the tune. 

Mildred (walking u. c). Here, Fll give you a lesson before 
the party begins. 

Theo i (both advancing toward Mildred). Thank you so 

Reg. ) much. 

Mildred (stepping hack). Oh, I don't intend to dance. I 
shall beat time and criticize while you waltz with your brother. 

Theo. \ (turning hack to hack and walking away). No, thank 

Reg. \ you. 

Mildred. But you must. I don't intend to have my fun spoiled 
because you are disobliging. Theo, you shall be the lady. Here, 
tie this shawl about your waist for a train. (Takes shawl from 
chair and gives it to Theo, who fastens it about him. Mildred 
steps u. L. c.) Now, Reginald, ready. (Reginald and Theo take 
position for waltzing, standing very clumsily.) How awkward 
you both are ! Put your arm about his waist, Reginald. 

Reg. (contemptuously). He hasn't any. 

Mildred (smiling). Well, the place where his waist should be, 
then. (Reginald and Theo take an even more awkward pose.) 
Oh, dear! Can't you do it this way? (Advances c. and, taking 
Theo waltes a few steps. Reginald steps hack to r. c.) 

Reg. I might with you for a partner, but Theo is as stiff as 
a poker. 

Theo. And Reginald walks all over my patent leathers. 

Mildred (leaving Theo and crossing to Reginald). I see I 
shall have to come to your rescue. Theo, you keep time for us. 

Theo. All right. (Claps hands.) Tummy, tum, tum, tum, 
tum, tum, tum, tum, tum, tum, tum, tummy. 

[Reginald and Mildred dance. 

Mildred (stopping). Not so fast. This isn't a jig. 



A Regular Flirt Si 

ENTER Dick, r., with letter on tray. Goes u. l. c. 

Dick {to Mildred). A letter for you, Miss. 

[Mildred takes letter. Dick EXITS r. 

Mildred {going u. c. and reading letter). ''Dearest Mildred: 
Find I can catch the 8.45 express. Don't forget your promise 
about the dance. Pardon haste, but have only a minute. See 
you to-night. Yours, as ever, Fred." {Turns to boys.) Isn't 
it lovely? Fred's coming. He will be here in time for the dance. 
{A pause.) Why don't you say something? 

Theo {taking oif shawl and folding it). Aw — -aw — and who's 
Fred? 

Mildred. Fred is the nicest, dearest fellow in the whole wide 
world. 

Theo. Oh, indeed ! 

Reg. You don't say so! 

{Both look glum. 

Mildred. Yes, I wrote him a long letter the other day and told 
him he simply must run down for this dance. That was his 
answer. He's coming. 

Theo. So you said before. 

Mildred. And I say it again. Fred's coming! Fred's com- 
ing! Fred's coming! {Looks from Theo to Reginald.) Aren't 
you glad ? 

Reg. {sarcastically). Delighted! 

Theo {bitterly). Charmed! 

Reg. Is he — er — good looking? 

Mildred {taking shawl from Theo). Indeed, he is! He has 
the very nicest face of any man I know. 

Theo. You — aw — seem to be rather fond of this — aw — Fred. 

Mildred. Fond of him! That doesn't half express it. I love 
him dearly. 

Reg. Have you known him long? 

Mildred. All my life. 

Theo. Is he — aw — fond of you also? 

Mildred. He adores me. How can he help it? 

Theo {slowly drawling). I — aw — should like to — aw — punch 
his head. 

Reg. Is it announced? 

Mildred {in surprise). What? 

Reg. Why — er — the engagement. Yours and — er — Fred's. 
Confound him ! 

Mildred. Why, I'm not engaged to him. The idea ! I never 
heard of anything so ridiculous. Didn't you know that Fred is 
my brother? 



52 A Regular Flirt 

Theo. Of course ! I knew it all the time, but it was such fun 
to see Reginald get excited. 

Reg. Stuff and nonsense ! You didn't know it any more than 
I did. 

Mildred. You know it now, however, and he is coming to- 
night. I must tell Kitty. (Goes to door, l., and calls,) Kitty! 
Kitty ! Come here ! Fve a bit of news for you. 

ENTER Kitty, l. 

Kitty. Did you call me, Mildred? 

Positions. 

Mildred. Kitty. 

Reginald. Theo. 

Mildred. Yes, I want to tell you that I have a letter from 
Fred, and he will be here for the dance. You know, I wrote that 
you would save him two waltzes. 

Kitty. You were generous, I must say. How do you know 
I shall have two dances to spare ? 

Mildred. I don't see how you have the heart to be so cruel 
to that poor boy, Kitty. He is devoted to you, and you delight 
in making him miserable. 

Kitty. You are a fine one to preach ! You, who lead every 
man about you a dance ! 

Mildred (in abused tones). Why, Kitty Harding, I don't at 
all! Do I, Reginald? Do I, Theo? 

Reg. No, indeed! 

Theo. Kitty, I'm surprised ! 

Mildred (sighing). Really, Kitty, the way you tease that boy 
is sinful! I don't see how the poor fellow stands it. 

Kitty. Why doesn't he stay away if he doesn't like it? 

Mildred (shaking her head). I fear you are an incorrigible 
flirt. 

Kitty (laughing). What nonsense! If you never flirt any 
more than I do you'll be perfectly safe. 

Mildred (walking up r. c). What a glorious night it is I 
Let's walk to the gate and get a breath of air. 

Kitty (going u. c). Very well, but we can't be gone long. 

[Mildred gives way. Theo has gotten l. of Kitty. 

Mildred. Theo, you can carry my shawl. I may need it. 
(EXEUNT Kitty and Theo, c to r.) Reginald, don't break 



A Regular Flirt 53 

that fan, whatever you do. It was a present from a very special 
friend and I wouldn't have anything happen to it for the world. 

Reg. (looking at the fan with interest). Where does she live? 

Mildred. He, you mean. He lives all over. He's a navy offi- 
cer, and 

Reg. (interrupting her sharply). I thought you wanted to go 
for a walk. 

Mildred. If you are in such a terrible hurry, go on with Kitty, 
and send Theo back to talk to me. He is so bright and clever ! 
I suppose you are awfully proud of him? 

Reg. (savagely). Oh, he's all right. 

Mildred. And he is not one bit conceited. 

Reg. You seem to admire him immensely. 

Mildred. I do. You two are not at all alike, are you? 

Reg. (scowling) . I suppose you intend to infer that I'm a stu- 
pid, stuck-up popinjay. 

Mildred (in surprise). Reginald! Why, I never thought of 
such a thing! Don't you like to hear your brother praised? 

Reg. (angrily). I don't want him rammed down my throat 
morning, noon and night. (Advances r. c.) See here, Mil- 
dred, will you answer me one question? 

Mildred. Certainly, a dozen and one. 

Reg. Do you like Theo better than me? 

Mildred (looking at Reginald and smiling). Do you want the 
truth or a polite evasion? 

Reg. I want the truth. 

Mildred (advancing l. c). Well, then, I don't know. He can 
dance better than you, but you make the better Welsh rarebit. 

Reg. (turning away r.). How unkind you are. (Returns.) 
Can't you see I am in earnest? 

Mildred. So am I. To be frank, it is this v/ay: For sailing, 
.tennis and dancing (counting the items off on her fingers) I pre- 
fer him, while for rowing and golf I'd choose you. (Walks l.) 

Reg. (bitterly). In other words you don't care a snap of your 
finger for either of us. 

Mildred. In other words, I'm very fond of you both. 

Reg. (advancing c). Mildred, I can't help it if it is only two 
weeks, I love you (extending both hands impulsively) with all 
my heart. Can you give me a ray of hope? 

Mildred (walking c and speaking in shocked tones). Why, 
Reginald, I am ashamed of you ! Proposing to one girl and en- 
gaged to another ! ( Walks l. ) 

Reg. What do you mean? I'm not engaged to any one. 

Mildred. And Mrs. Mason? 



54 A Regular Flirt 

Reg. Oh, hang Mrs. Mason! 

Mildred (calmly). Didn't you propose to her? 

Reg. Only for a joke! I did it at your instigation, too, just 
to help the Doctor. 

Mildred (raising her hand). Never mind your motive. The 
deed is done, and if I remember correctly she hasn't refused you. 

Reg. Oh, but she will ! She couldn't possibly take me seri- 
ously. 

Mildred. She might. You can't tell. 

Reg. But I switched her off on Theo. 

Mildred. You are not free to ask any girl to marry you. 

ENTER Theo, c, from r. 

Theo (advancing l.). Aren't you two coming? It is glorious 
on the piazza ! 

Mildred (taking shawl from Theo and giving if to Reginald). 
Reginald, will you take this scarf to Kitty? I am afraid she will 
find it cool out there in her thin dress. 

Reg. Certainly. 

[EXIT Reginald, c to r. 

Mildred (going r. ) . What an accommodating fellow, Reginald 
is ! It is a pleasure to ask a favor of him. (Sits r.) 

Theo (advancing c). Oh, he can be obliging enough when he 
wants to. 

Mildred (smiling). And he is such good company, too; so 
clever and bright ! 

Theo (crossly). Are you going to sit here all night singing 
Reginald's praises? 

Mildred. How impatient you are! 

Theo (approaching Mildred, r.). Miss Mildred, will you — 
aw — do me a favor? 

Mildred (cheerfully). With pleasure. Half a dozen of them. 

Theo. I want you to give me a rose. 

Mildred. What a mild request! (Takes a flower from the 
hunch pinned on her shoidder and gives it to Theo.) 

Theo (business of admiring rose). I shall keep this bud for- 
ever. 

Mildred (smiling). Ah, but you can't. It will fade, you 
know. 

Theo. I shall press it and wear it next my heart. 

Mildred. Even then it will crumble. Better take a lock of 
my hair. It will last longer. 

Theo. Will you really give me one? How kind you are! 

Mildred (heartily). Of course I shall. That is, if I can spare 



A Regfular Flirt 55 

it. I have given away so many this summer that I shall be bald- 
headed if I keep on. You wouldn't like to see me bald-headed, 
now, would you? 

Theo (smiling). You — aw — could wear a wig, you know. 

Mildred. So I could. And I have always longed to wear a 
wig. 

Theo (sighing). What nonsense we are talking! 

Mildred (bowing her head). Thank you. 

Theo. I — aw — beg your pardon. I didn't mean that, only 
I — aw — have so much to say to you and the time is so short. 
Do you know that this is the last time I shall see you ? 

Mildred. I hope not. New York is not the Antipodes. 

Theo. I shall certainly run down to see you every chance I 
get, but I hate to think of our jolly house-party breaking up to- 
morrow. 

Mildred. Yes, isn't it too bad? I shall have nobody to go 
fishing with now and bait the hooks for me. 

Theo (sentimentally). Aw — Mildred, you wall think of me 
sometimes, won't you? 

Mildred (heartily). Indeed, I shall. (Laughing.) I shall 
never, never forget the time you fell into the duck pond. 

Theo. Is that the only impression I shall leave? 

Mildred. Of course not. You have been awfully good to me 
and I have had a most charming two weeks, thanks to you and 
Reginald. 

Theo. Oh, bother Reginald! Look here. Miss Mildred, do 
you care for him more than you do for me? 

Mildred. That's rather an embarrassing question. 

Theo. I know it is, but you have no idea what it means to 
me. Mildred (putting his monocle carefully in his eye and kneel- 
ing before her), I love you. Will you be my wife? 

Mildred. Theo, do get up. Suppose some one should see you ! 
■ Theo (Urmly). I shall stay here until you give me my answer. 

Mildred (listening intently). Theo, here comes Mrs. Mason. 

Theo (rising and going u. r.). Confound it! What does she 
want now? 

ENTER Dick, l. 

Mildred. Oh, I was mistaken. It is only Richards. Theo, 
will you look in the billiard-room and see if I dropped my hand- 
kerchief there? I had it when we played that last game. 

Theo. Certainly. 

[EXIT Theo, r. 

Mildred (to Dick, who stands with his back to her). Rich- 



56 A Regular Flirt 

ards ! (Silence.) Richards! (Silence.) Richards! (Silence.) 
What ails the man? (Sings.) Richards, Richards, Richards, 
Richards. 

Dick (angrily facing her). You know my name. Why don't 
you call me by it? 

Mildred. I was afraid some one might overhear me. It would 
never do for me to be caught speaking so familiarly to the Doc- 
tor's butler, now would it? 

Dick. Pshaw ! You know well enough there is no one to 
hear you. 

Mildred. Theo might return any minute. 

Dick. How can he? You sent him for your handkerchief, 
and you know as well as I do that it is in your belt. (Ad- 
vances c.) 

Mildred (looking down). So it is! How foolish of miC not 
to look before I sent poor Theo on such a wild goose chase. Will 
you call him and tell him it is found? 

Dick (walking l.). Thank you, I shall do nothing of the 
sort. It seems to me you are very considerate of him. 

Mildred. He certainly deserves it. H^ is such a dear boy. 

Dick (turning). I presume you consider Reginald a dear boy, 
too? 

Mildred. Yes, isn't he ? Do you know, for the past two weeks 
I have been trying to find out which one I like the better. 

Dick (walking l. c. and l.). In the mean time you flirt with 
them both. 

Mildred. Yesterday I had my mind all made up that Reginald 
was my favorite and to-day I feel sure it is Theo. Which do you 
like? 

Dick (contemptuously). They are such a precious pair of 
fools that I can't see much choice between them. Reginald is 
the bigger idiot, but Theo is the greater clown. 

Mildred. Which would you like if you were a girl? 

Dick (in affected tones). I should probably consider them 
both ^^just too sweet for any thing.'' 

Mildred. How horrid you are, Dick ! You used to be so 
bright and witty, and now you do nothing but growl and gramp 
all the time. 

Dick (smiling). I plead guilty to the growling, but I don't 
know what gramping is. 

Mildred. Gramping means being cross and sarcastic and gen- 
erally disagreeable. 

Dick (sadly). No wonder you threv/ me over. 

Mildred (hastily). Threw yourself over, you should say. 
Didn't you get mad and toss my ring into the well? 



A Regular Flitt 57 

Dick. Only after you said you didn't want it. 

Mildred. But I did want it. I wanted it awfully. It was 
the prettiest engagement ring I ever had, and (tragically) now 
it's drowned and I shall never, never see it again. 

Dick (taking ring from his pocket). If you really cared for 
that little ring, why — er — here it is. I — er — fished it out of the 
well. I know I am a sentimental fool, but I couldn't bear to 
think of anything you had worn being harshly treated. 

Mildred (bitterly). How wise you are! Now you won't have 
to buy one for Marie. 

Dick (in surprise). Mildred! 

Mildred (raising her hand). Yes, I understand now why you 
took this position of butler. Marie is a charming little girl, and 
will, no doubt, make you a suitable wife. 

Dick (advancing c). Mildred, listen to me. 

Mildred. Wait a minute. Aren't you engaged to her? 

Dick. Mildred, this is preposterous ! 

Mildred. They are an attractive pair, those two. The mis- 
tress captivates the uncle, and the maid wins the nephew. A 
charming romance! I congratulate you. (Taps her foot and 
fans herself nervously.) 

Dick. Mildred, I swear I shall never marry any one but you. 

Mildred (stoppi^ig her fanning). Poor Marie! Is she to be 
jilted also? I suppose you consider yourself quite a breaker of 
hearts. 

Dick (bitterly). Hearts? You have no more heart than that 
chair (pointing up), and the worst of it is I have tried in vain 
to put you out of my life. I tell myself daily that you are not 
worthy of a good man's love, and when I am away from you I 
convince myself that I am indifferent to you. 

Mildred (fanning slowly). You are complimentary, sir. 

Dick. But the minute I see you I realize that I can no more 
tear you from my heart than I can stop its beating. Mildred, 
dearest, let's begin all over. (Goes R.) See, here is your ring. 
Let me put it upon your finger and 

Mildred (rising). Stop! How dare you, promised to an- 
other woman, come and ask me to take you back? Give me that 
ring. (Takes ring from Dick and goes l.) Once you threw it 
away. Now it is my turn. (Drops ring into the open grate 
and goes c. Dick seises poker and kneels before grate.) 

ENTER Dr. Morgan, r., carrying a string of smilax. 



Doctor. Richards, you here? 

Dick (rising and facing Doctor) . Yes, 



sir. 



58 A Regular Flirt 

Doctor. I want you to get the step-ladder and drape this smi- 
lax over that picture. (Indicates picture, r.) 

Dick. Yes, sir. 

[EXIT Dick, l. 

Doctor (to Mildred, coming down l. c.)- Are you cold, my 
dear? These late summer evenings are apt to be chilly. 

Mildred (shivering) , No-o-o, I'm not cold. 

Doctor (touching her hand). My dear child, your hands are 
like ice. Nervous? 

Mildred (smiling faintly). A — a little, sir. 

Doctor (sighing). Ah, what a thing it is to be young and 
care-free! And who is the favored one? Reginald or Theo? 

Mildred (going l. Doctor gives way). Neither. 

Doctor (c). What! Longing for more worlds to conquer? 
At one time I feared it was Dick. I am glad to see, however, 
that you have given him up. Dick is a good boy, but flighty ! 
flighty ! 

Mildred. You do him an injustice, sir. Dick is the strongest 
character of any man I know. 

Doctor (raising his eyebrows). So the land lies in that quar- 
ter, eh? 

Mildred. Not at all, if you mean that you think I — I care for 
him. Only I take a sisterly sort of interest in Dick and like to see 
fair play. He is the bravest, manliest, truest fellow I know. 

Doctor. Are you sure you don't care for him? 

Mildred (-fiercely). I hate, despise, detest and abominate him! 

Doctor. But why, if he is all you say? 

Mildred. Because he is the meanest, horridest, most disagree- 
able man of my acquaintance. 

Doctor (smiling). My dear Miss Mildred, I don't understand 
you. You say one thing one minute and something entirely dif- 
ferent the next. 

Mildred. Don't let's talk about me any more. How is Mrs. 
Mason treating you? (Sitting l.) 

Doctor. Why, I had a remarkable communication from her 
a few minutes ago. She writes that while she appreciates the 
honor I have done her, she feels that there is something to be 
considered besides her personal feelings, so she must ask me to 
release her and begs me to ever think kindly of one who will 
always remain my faithful Dolly. 

Mildred. So she has jilted you! Well, you don't look like a 
rejected lover. 

Doctor. Mildred, forgive me for bothering you, but do you 
think me very old? 

Mildred (laughing). Dear Dr. Morgan, what a question! Of 



A Regular Flirt 59 

course not. I don't believe you are a day older than father, and 
he is sixty-five and considers himself quite a boy. 

Doctor. Oh, but I am only forty-six! (Anxiously.) Does 
that seem very ancient in your eyes? 

Mildred. No-o-o. Lots of men live to be older than that. 
Mr. Winters is nearly eighty, and Mrs. Fowler's gardener is 
ninety at least. 

Doctor. You are very consoling. Tell me now, just for curi- 
osity's sake, do you think forty-six is too old to get married? 

Mildred (heartily). Indeed I don't. I think I shall wait un- 
til then myself. You see, when you are that age you don't care 
for dancing and fun, and so it isn't so hard to settle down. Yes, I 
shall wait until I am forty-six. That is, unless I decide to be- 
come an old maid. Don't you think I'd make a charming old 
maid. Doctor? 

Doctor. You'll never be an old maid, my dear. 

Mildred. Think not? Well, I don't believe I shall, either. I 
hate to be alone. I should think you would get awfully sad and 
blue sometimes. 

Doctor (walking r.). I do. 

Mildred. How horrid ! I tell you what, if I live to be forty- 
six, you know, and I am still unmarried you can ask me to be 
Mrs. Dr. Morgan, and I'll say yes. That is, if I don't happen 
to care for any one else at the time. 

ENTER Theo and Reginald, r. 

Positions. 

Theo. Reginald. 

Doctor. Mildred. 

Theo. I couldn't find it. Miss Mildred. I looked into every 
nook and corner. 

Doctor (going u. r.). I shall leave you young people together 
while I enjoy a cigar on the veranda. [EXIT Doctor, c. to l. 

Reg. What did you lose. Miss Mildred? You surely didn't 
expect such a duffer as Theo to find anything. 

Mildred (rising and going to grate). It doesn't matter! 
(Aside.) I wonder if I can get it out? 

Reg. (going toward grate). Did you drop something into the 
grate? Here, let me give it a poke. (Seizes poker.) 

Mildred. No, you mustn't ! Give me the tongs. (Kneels 
before grate and takes tongs from Reginald.) Now don't touch 
me. Ah, I have it! (Slowly lifts out ring). My poor little 
ring! It is spoiled. 



60 A Regi^Iar Flirt 

Reg. (cheerfully). Not a bit of it. (Holds out left hand). 
Give it to me and I'll take it to the jeweller's and have it polished 
and cleaned. 

Mildred (examining ring). No, I'd rather have it as it is. 

Theo. You seem to think a lot of it. Was it a present? 

Mildred (advancing c). Yes, it was given to me by some 
one I used to care a great deal for. Now I prize it for old asso- 
ciation's sake. 

Theo (r.)- I suppose she's dead. (Sadly.) I'm awfully 
sorry, don't you know ! I — aw — can sympathize with you. I — 
aw — had a friend once and she — she — aw — died. I liked her im- 
mensely. She was going to give a big dance, and she — aw — died 
just after the cards were out. I — aw — never got over it. Such 
a shock, don't you know ! 

Reg. What? The loss of the ball? 

Theo (angrily turning to him). Oh, shut up, can't you? 

Mildred (going r., followed by Theo and Reginald). Come, 
now, let's walk to the gate and meet Fred. It's about time he 
put in his appearance. 

[EXEUNT Mildred, Reginald and Theo, c. to r. 

ENTER Mrs. Mason, followed by Marie, l. 

Mrs. Mason (crossing r.). Marie. 

Marie (standing u. l. c). Oui, Madam. 

Mrs. Mason. Marie, I'm so excited ! I feel like a young girl 
at her first party. How do I look? 

Marie (clasping her hands). Ah, Madam, you look like one 
angel ! 

Mrs. Mason (smiling). Marie, you're a treasure! But do I 
look young f That's the point! Tell me the truth, for I shall 
not be angry. How old would you take me to be? (Sits R.) 

Marie (her head on one side). Well, Madam, I should not 
take you for one day over sixty. 

Mrs. Mason (rising furiously). Sixty! How dare you? 
Why, I'm only thirty-five. (Sits R.) 

Marie (curtsey). Pardon, Madam, pardon. It was my bad 
English. I meant sixteen. 

Mrs. Mason (smiling). Not sixteen, Marie. Surely I 
couldn't look sixteen ! 

Marie. Sixteen, Madam ; not one year more. 

Mrs. Mason. You are a very satisfactory maid, Marie. Of 
course, I am not so foolish as to think I look sixteen, but I don't 
believe any one would take me to be over, say, twenty-five. Ah, 
Marie, I don't believe even that little flirt Mildred has had one- 



A Regular Flirt 6i 

half the attention that I have received these last few days. Think 
of it, Marie, three proposals ! 

Marie. Ah, Madam, what it is to be a rich widow ! Now 
when you to the Doctor are married 

Mrs. Mason (in surprise). Married to the Doctor! Why, 
Marie, whatever put that ridiculous idea into your head? 

Marie. Surely Madam told me 

Mrs. Mason. I told you nothing — nothing. I am surprised 
at your presumption ! The idea of me — me, with my opportuni- 
ties, settling down to be the wife of a humdrum country doctor. 

Marie. Why, Madam! 

Mrs. Mason. Not another word, Marie. The Doctor is a 
worthy man, good enough in his way, but (looking about and 
lowering her voice) listen, Marie. Baron Rothberg has sent me 
word that he will be here to-night. You remember the Baron? 

Marie (laughing). Ah, oui. Madam, the funny little fat man 
who came to see madam last winter. 

Mrs. Mason (rising with dignity). Marie! (Walks c. and 
then up). The Baron is not a funny little fat man, by any means. 
He is — eccentric, I admit. That is one of his charms. As for 
fat (turning to Marie), portly would better describe him (Goes 
r.). He has recently inherited a large fortune, and (turning 
again to Marie) oh, Marie, he is coming to-night to ask me to 
share it. (Walks r. tvith head held high.) A doctor's wife, in- 
deed! [EXIT Mrs. Mason, r. 

Marie (laughing). Ah, Madam! Madam! Monsieur Le 
Baron, indeed. (Puffs out cheeks and taking a couple of swag- 
gering steps u. c.) ''Bong jour, Marie," he say. ''You are ong 
bong filly." (Laughs heartily.) Tiens ! (Listens.) C'est 
Monsieur Reechard. You are sleepery. Monsieur, but Marie 
catch you thees time. (Marie hides behind portiere, u. r.) 

ENTER Dick, l., with step-ladder. He places it under one of the 
pictures l. c. and proceeds to drape smilax over it. Marie 
comes forward on tiptoe. 

Marie (sweetly smiling up at Dick). Ah, Monsieur Reech- 
ard! 

Dick (starts, slips and catches himself). Confound it! See 
here, Marie, don't you come a step nearer. If this picture should 
fall you might get hurt. 

Marie (sadly). But, Reechard, you are glad to see Marie, 
n'est-ce pas? You haf so beesy been I never could see you for 
one leettle minute. 



62 A Regular Flirt 

Dick. But — but I can't talk to you now. I^ — I — the Doctor 
wants me. 

Marie (sitting on lower step of ladder and looking fondly up 
at Dick). The Doctor, he can wait. He ees not fair to never 
let you talk. Why, Michael, he talk all day long ! 

Dick (desperately). But, Marie, somebody may come in any 
minute. 

Marie (shrugging her shoulders) . It ees too early. 

Dick (sitting on top of step-ladder and mopping his forehead). 
Well, for mercy's sake, let's have it out ! I can't stand much 
more of this sort of thing. 

Marie (compassionately). Mon pauve Reechard, he ees so 
fatigue! Marie ees sorry. 

Dick (leaning forward). Marie, let me tell you something. 
I saw Michael to-day, and he is corrfing back here. 

Marie (shrugging her shoulders) . It n'importe. I don't care. 

Dick. But Michael is a splendid man, Marie. 

Marie. Yes, but he cannot dance like my Reechard. 

Dick (looking up). Oh, hang it! (Looking down.) See 
here, Marie, you had better take Michael. He loves you dearly 
and will make you a fine husband. I am a wicked, bad man. 

Marie (nodding and smiling). I like the mens to be what you 
call him — gay. Michael ees one big stupid. 

Dick. But, Marie, you don't understand. I — I drink and I — 
(aside) confound it! I can't think of anything bad enough to 
tell her. Marie 

Marie. Mon cher Reechard ! 

Dick (bending lower and speaking impressively). Marie, I 
have fits. 

Marie (looking up). Feets! What ees feets? 

Dick (excitedly). They are awful things, Marie. They at- 
tack a man suddenly and he goes mad and bites, and his eyes 
pop out, and he rolls over and over, and he kills his wife and cuts 
her all up into little pieces. 

Marie (who has been edging away and clasping her hands 
during Dick's speech). Oh, Reechard! Oh, Reechard! Mon 
Dieu ! You fright me. (Sinks on her knees. ) Let me go, Reech- 
ard. (Extends her hands imploringly.) You will not make poor 
Marie marry you? 

Dick (rising and speaking thoughtfully). Well, no, Marie. 
You are a good girl, so I shall set you free. (Points l.) Go, 
Marie ; go to your Michael. 

Marie (rising and stepping backwards to l.). Ah, Monsieur 
Reechard ees so kind, so good ! [EXIT Marie, l. 



A Regular Flirt 63 

Dick, (mopping his brow). Whew, that was a narrow es- 
cape ! I thought she would marry me in spite of myself. 

ENTER Dr. Morgan, c. from r. 

Doctor (looking about). Oh, Richards, you've gotten that 
smilax draped, I see. Just take that step-ladder out on the 
piazza and hang a few more of those Japanese lanterns. 
(Walks L.) 

Dick (coining down ladder, taking off wig and walking c). 
Uncle Theo. 

Doctor (facing Dick with a start). Dick! You? 

Dick (humbly). Yes, sir. 

Doctor (looking at Dick in surprise). Why, boy, why are 
you wearing Richard's uniform? And shaved off your beard, 
too ! What mischief are you up to now ? 

Dick (smiling). None, sir. Haven't I been a model butler 
for the past two weeks? (Walks dozvn r.) 

Doctor. But, Dick, you surely don't mean — what in thunder 
did you do such a fool thing as this for? Haven't you any pride? 
Do you want to make me the laughing-stock of the town? 

Dick. Surely, if you didn't recognize me, no one else would. 

Doctor. What did you do it forf That's what I want to 
know. 

Dick. Because I needed money. 

Doctor. Pshaw ! If you got into a scrape, say so, and don't 
beat about the bush. 

Dick. I didn't get into any scrape. I simply got into debt. 
I asked you to advance me some money and you told me to work. 
I took the first position available until I could get an answer 
from my letter to Mr. Humbert. He has promised me a position 
as head clerk in his banking house. 

Doctor. My dear boy, not so fast. 

Dick. I saw Michael in town this morning, and told him 
that you might like to see him. He can take my place now — — 

Doctor. Dick, you will be the death of me ! You have car- 
ried things with a high hand, but you've got grit and I'm glad to 
see it. (Sits l.) But, my dear boy, couldn't you have trusted 
me a little more, and not taken a few hasty words so seriously? 

Dick. It wasn't so much what you said, sir, as the fact that 
your words were true, that rankled. I knew I had been a lazy- 
good-for-nothing long enough, and I didn't want you to think 
I intended to sponge on you all the rest of my life. 

Doctor (putting on his glasses). The day you draw your first 



64 A Regular Flirt 

check I shall open an account with Mr. Humbert in your name 
for ten thousand dollars. 

Dick. Thank you, sir. I — I don't know how to say it, but — 
but you have been awfully good to Kitty and me, and I am going 
to work now in earnest to show you that your kindness hasn't 
been wasted. 

Doctor (taking oif glasses and wiping them). There, there! 
That's all right. Why, boy, you and Kitty have been my sunshine 
for the past ten years. I have tried to be good to you, but a 
stupid old bachelor is a poor substitute for a mother. Plague 
take these glasses ! (Puts on glasses, takes them off and blows 
nose vigorously.) 

Dick (fumbling with his collar and clearing his throat). I — 
I don't know what we kids should have done without you, sir, I 
don't indeed. 

Doctor. Mildred was right, boy ! She stood up for you like 
a little soldier to-night. There's a girl for you ! Grit clear 
through ! 

Dick. Yes, sir. That she is, sir. I am so glad you admire 
her. 

Doctor. Indeed, I do. She's a girl in a hundred. 

Dick. It makes me very happy to know that you approve of 
my choice. 

Doctor (starting). Your choice! Yours? 

Dick. Yes, sir. That is, I hope so. You see, we were en- 
gaged, but I was so confoundedly jealous that we had a — a mis- 
understanding. I hope to patch it up to-night, however. 

Doctor. Am I to infer that you — ah — care for her? 

Dick. Care for her? Why, sir, I adore the ground she walks 
on. 

Doctor (leaning back and speaking slowly). And does she re- 
turn your affection? 

Dick. She returned it with a vengeance this evening. I have 
written her a note, however, to explain things and asked her to 
meet me here. (Goes u. l.) What's the matter, uncle? You 
look tired. Don't you feel well? 

Doctor (sadly passing his hand over his eyes). I'm all right, 
my boy. It's only the heat. Just get me a glass of water, will 
you? [EXIT Dick, L.) Fool! Blind fool ! As if I could ex- 
pect her to care for me ! Almost old enough to be her father ! 
(Bracing up.) Ah, well! It was a pleasant dream while it 
lasted. Thank Fortune, Dick is worthy of her! Fm proud of 
him. 



A Regular Flirt 65 

ENTER Dick with glass of water. 

Dick (giving glass to Doctor). Let me get you some wine, 
uncle? 

Doctor (drinking water and giving Dick empty glass). No, 
no. I'm all right now. Go, my boy. Don't let me keep you 
from the dance. 

Dick (putting glass on mantel). I'd rather stay here. She — 
she might come any minute. 

Doctor. True. I forgot. (Rises.) Well, I'll clear out and 
leave you in command of the field. 

[EXIT Doctor slowly, c. to r. 

Dick (takes ladder oif l._, then zvalks nervously c. to l.) I 
wonder if she'll come ! I wonder if she likes me without a beard ! 
(Goes up c. and looks off r.) Ah, here she comes! Confound 
it! She's got that donkey Theo with her. How she stands his 
twaddle I can't imagine! (Steps hack behind portiere, l. of c.) 

ENTER Mildred and Theo, c. from r. 

Theo (at Mildred's left). Are you warm, Miss Mildred? Do 
let me fan you. (Both walk l. c.) 

Mildred. I'm simply melting! Isn't it deliciously cool in 
here? 

ENTER Reginald, r. 

Reg. (advancing -r. c). Ah, Miss Mildred, I have been look- 
ing everywhere for 3^ou. This is my dance, I believe. 

Theo (l. c). Why, Miss Mildred, you promised me this one! 

Mildred (c). Now, see here, boys, I am so tired! Can't we 
sit this out? (Walks l. and seats herself.) 

Reg. (to Theo). I thought you said you were going to get 
your answer from "Dolly, dear," to-night. (Seats himself at 
Mildred's right.) 

Theo (sitting l. of Mildred), I did. She threw me over, so 
I suppose you are the lucky man. I congratulate you. 

Reg. You needn't. She turned me down, too. 

Theo. And I hear she has given the Doctor the go-by. 

Reg. I just saw her flirting outrageously with a funny little 
Dutch tub. 

Theo. See here — aw — Reginald, I came here to — aw — talk to 
Miss Mildred. Can't you — aw — find something else to do? 

Reg. There's nothing small about you, I must say. If you 



66 A Regular Flirt 

don't like my society, why, there are plenty of other rooms in 
this house. 

Mildred. Don't quarrel, boys. Remember, this is our last 
night. 

Theo. Mildred, if you — aw — talk like that I shall weep. 

Mildred (sighing). Isn't it too bad? I really feel very sorry 
myself. 

Reg. (taking Mildred's hand). Mildred, I cannot wait another 
minute. Won't you give me my answer now? 

Mildred (drawing her hand away). Why, Reginald, how im- 
patient you are ! 

Theo. He is right, Mildred. There is no time like the pres- 
ent. I know I am not worthy of you, but (Puts up his mon- 
ocle and drops upon his knees before Mildred.) 

Reg. Neither am I, but (Kneels clumsily before her.) 

Mildred (laughing). Now, boys, this is perfectly ridiculous. 
I can't possibly marry you both. I should be arrested for big- 
amy. And if I choose one of you the other would be sure to get 
angry. 

Reg. If you accept Theo I'll drown myself. 

Theo. If you take Reginald I'll — I'll — I'll (Looks wildly 

about.) 

Mildred. That's just it! You see, the kindest thing I can do 
is to refuse you both. Then no one need be made unhappy. 

[Both rise. Theo dusts off his knees. 

Reg. But 

Mildred. No, not another word. Now let me tell you some- 
thing. (Both men draw near and listen.) I am simply famish- 
ing and you must find Richards and make him give you an ice 
for me. I shall wait here until you return, and the one who gets 
back first shall have the next dance. 

[EXEUNT Theo and Reginald, r. Dick comes for- 
ward to c. 

Mildred (rising with a gasp of astonishment). Dick! Why, 
where — where did you come from? 

Dick (angrily). You may well ask that question. For the past 
ten minutes I have been an unwilling witness of your outrageous 
conduct. No wonder you blush ! 

Mildred. I — I'm not blushing. 

Dick. The idea of your leading those two poor boys up to 
this point ! 

Mildred. Didn't they propose prettily? I had half a mind to 
accept Theo. He did look so cute. 

Dick. Cute ! He looked like a darned fool ! But that doesn't 
excuse you for encouraging him. 



A Regular Flirt 67 

Mildred (looking away). I didn't encourage him. He ap- 
preciates me. 

Dick (grimly). I noticed his appreciation. 

Mildred (saucily). Theo says I am the sweetest girl he knows. 

Dick. I'm sure I don't want to hear what Theo says. 

Mildred. And as for Reginald, why, when I gave him my pic- 
ture 

Dick (taking a step toward her). Mildred! You don't mean 
to say that you gave your photograph to that consummate clown. 

Mildred (tossing her head). I'll thank you not to call my 
friends such names. 

Dick. I once called you a flirt. I take it back now. 

Mildred (with sarcasm). So good of you! 

Dick. Flirting is sometimes harmless fun. You are more 
than a flirt. You are a heartless, soulless, cruel coquette. 

Mildred (advancing c. and angrily boxing his ears). How 
dare you ! 

Dick (staggering back r. c). Mildred! 

Mildred (pointing r.). Go, I tell you! I — I hate you. Go, 
and never let me see your face again. 

Dick. But 

Mildred (pointing to door and stamping her foot). Go! 

[EXIT Dick, r. Mildred stands erect with hands clenched 
until Dick disappears. Then she sinks into chair 
and, covering her face with her hands, bursts into 
tears. 

ENTER Dr. Morgan, l. 

Doctor. My dear child, what's the matter? 

Mildred (going r. and drying her eyes hastily). Nothing — 

nothing — that is (Her voice trembles.) Only, Dr. Morgan, 

I — I am the meanest, horridest girl in the world. (Sits R.) 

Doctor. There, there, my dear! don't — don't! Has anything 
gone wrong? Let me call Dick. (Starts l.) 

Mildred (rising). No, you mustn't. I never want to see him 
again. 

Doctor. I see. You have quarrelled. 

Mildred. Yes, and Dr. Morgan, I have been so rude and un- 
ladylike I — I — I boxed his ears. 

Doctor (laughing and walking l.). Good for you, my dear! 
Serves him right. 

Mildred. Oh, I feel so ashamed of myself! 

Doctor. I expect he deserved it. 

Mildred. But he didn't! That's just it. I made him per- 



68 A Regfwlar Flirt 

fectly furious and (Interrupts herself impulsively.) Oh, 

what makes me so mean and disagreeable? I am always doing 
things I am sorry for. 

Doctor. That's life, my dear. 

Mildred. But I'm ten times worse than other girls. 

Doctor (smiling). Because you have ten times more life. 

Mildred (laying her hand on the Doctor's arm). Dr. Morgan, 
you are such a comfort. I love you better than any man I 
know — except Dick and father and Fred. 

Doctor. Thank you, dear. (Goes u. c.) Now you must come 
and dance, or they will all be wondering what has become of 
you. I am afraid you are not enjoying yourself very much. 

Mildred (rising, taking Doctor^s arw and speaking bitterly). 
Oh, I am having a lovely time ! A beautiful time ! I have been 
perfectly horrid to all the people I care for most, and I am as 
happy as a bird. [EXEUNT Doctor and Mildred, l. 

ENTER Theo and Reginald, r., with plates of cream. 

Reginald (going r. c. and looking around). Why, she's gone! 
She said she'd wait. 

Theo (l. c). I know she did, and this stuff is melting and 
slipping all over. [Both eat cream. 

ENTER Kitty l., advances c. 

Kitty. Where's Mildred? 

Reg. (busily eating). She — er — isn't here. 

Theo (without looking up from his plate). No, she isn't here. 

Kitty. But where is she? 

Reg. How under the sun should we know? 

Kitty. You are usually very well informed as to her where- 
abouts. Have you had a fuss? 

Theo. Not exactly, only (Eats more cream.) 

Reg. Of course not, but 

Kitty (looking from one to another). I thought you were 
going to propose to her to-night? 

Reg. (calmly). Well, you see, I have changed my mind. 

Theo (loftily). Yes, we — aw — have changed our minds. 

Reg. Fact is, I was never really in love with her at all. She's 
too flighty for me. 

TB.EO (waving his fork). Just so ! Flighty! Flighty! 

Reg. (placing his plate on the mantel). She has no depth. 
All on the surface, you know. 



A Regular Flirt (^9 

TuEo (solemnly). Nothing but — aw — froth! (Puts his plate 
on mantel and walks l.) 

Reg. She never takes a man seriously. 

Theo. Now you, Kitty 

Reg. You are sensible. 

Theo. A fellow can confide in you, don't you know. Kitty, 
now I come to think of it, I believe I — aw — have been in love 
with you ever since I can remember. 

Kitty (laughing). Go along, Theo. You haven't seen me 
since I was a little tot. 

Theo (shaking his head). That doesn't make any difference. 
You were a jolly little soul, and I have always carried your im- 
age in my heart. 

Reg. I fell in love with you the night we came down for this 
house-party. 

Theo. Kitty, don't you mind him. 

Kitty. Boys, what nonsense you are talking! Why, I came 
here to tell Mildred that I had seen Fred, and — and it's all right. 

Reg. What's all right? 

Kitty (in embarrassed tones). Why, I — he — that is — you 
won't tell any one? 

Theo (striking an attitude). I pledge myself to secrecy. 

Kitty. Well, I'm engaged! (Smiles.) Isn't it lovely! 

Reg. (turning r.). Well, I call that a confounded piece of busi- 
ness ! What does he mean by sneaking in in this way and cut- 
ting me out? 

Kitty. You'll have to ask him. 

[EXIT Kitty, r. 

Theo. (tragically). Foiled again! I fear I shall die an old 
maid! Fan me, Reginald, or I shall collapse. (Sinks into chair.) 

Reg. I tell you what, Theo, w^omen are not worth it. 

Theo. Worth what? 

Reg. Why, all this courting business. You pick out a nice 
girl and get on swimmingly. Along comes some duffer who 
doesn't know beans, and down she flops into his arms. 

Theo (rising and clapping Reginald on the shoulder). Right 
you are, old chap. Let's give them a wide berth hereafter. 

Reg. Agreed ! We'll take rooms at the club and keep bach- 
elor's hall for the rest of our days. 

Theo (heartily). Shake on it! (They shake hands. Theo 
walks up L. and looks R.). By Jingo! There's that little girl in 
the pink cheese-cloth again. ITi bet she's looking for me. 

Reg. (coming u. l. and looking over Theo^s shoulder). Do 
you mean the faded beauty with the orange-colored shoulder- 
blades? 



70 A Regular Flirt 

Theo. No, the girl beside her with the feather-duster arrange- 
ment on her head. Come and I'll introduce you. 

[EXEUNT Theo and Reginald, c. to r. 

ENTER Dr. Morgan and Dick, l. Both remain up. 

Doctor. I tell you, boy, she loves you. 

Dick. You are mistaken, uncle. Why, she boxed my ears ! 

Doctor (smiling). A sure proof of her love. Do you suppose 
she would box the ears of a man to whom she was indifferent? 

Dick. I fail to understand such methods of showing one's 
affection. 

Doctor. My boy, you love a noble, high-spirited girl, and you 
let her see that you think her a spoiled child. 

Dick. I don't believe she cares that (snapping his Angers) 
for me. 

Doctor. Would you believe it if you heard her say so? 

Dick. Yes. But she won't say so. 

Doctor. You stay there (pushing Dick info corner u. r. c.) 
and don't you move until I call you. Remember, not until I call. 

[EXIT Doctor, l. 

ENTER Mrs. Mason, followed by Marie, r. 

Mrs. Mason (walking down l.). Marie, I want you to pack 
my boxes to-night. We must take an early train to-morrow. 
The dear Baron insists upon my marrying him the first of next 
month. Oh, Marie, he has everything ! He has been knighted, 
belted, gartered, and I don't know what all. We are to go to 
Italy on our honeymoon. 

Marie (u. r. c). But I cannot go, Mrs. Mason. It ees im- 
possible. Michael will not let me. 

Mrs. Mason (severely). And who is this Michael, that he is 
to be considered before me? 

Marie. Oh, Madam, he ees, what you call him in English? 
my coompany. He came to-night and made me promise him to 
marry. He say he will keel me eef I don't. 

Mrs. Mason. Why, the man is a brute! He should be ar- 
rested ! 

Marie. Ah, but. Madam, I love heem. 

Mrs. Mason (in surprise). I thought you loved Richards. 

Marie (scornfully). Reechard ees not a man. He ees tire- 
some. Michael he say to me, "Eef you say you will not marry 
me I'll knock you down." Ah! (clasping her hands and rolling 
her eyes) there ees a man for you ! 



A Regular Flirt 71 

Mrs, Mason (going u. r.)- Gracious, girl! I should think 
you would be scared to death. Well, come and help me pack, for 
I have much to do. 

Marie. Oui, Madam, I will help you, but I must go back to 
Michael. [EXEUNT Mrs. Mason and Marie, r. 

ENTER Doctor and Mildred, l. 

Dr. Morgan (going down l. c). Come and rest awhile, my 
dear. You look tired. 

Mildred (going down r.). Oh, so tired, and heartsick, too! 
(Sits R.) 

Doctor. Poor child ! You should not worry about such a 
trifle. 

Mildred (wiping her eyes). Do you call the loss of one's self- 
respect a trifle? 

Doctor. Believe me, Mildred, no man alive is worth one trou- 
bled tear. 

Mildred. You don't appreciate Dick, Doctor. He is not a bit 
like other men. 

Doctor. Isn't he? (Dick takes a step forward. Doctor 
waves him back.) 

Mildred (thoughtfully). No, he is so noble, unselfish and 
brave, and I — I have treated him abominably. I see my conduct 
in its true light, now that all is over between us? 

Dick (coming forward and going r. to Mildred). Mildred! 

Doctor (to Dick). I told you not to come until I called you. 

Dick (kneeling by Mildred's side, but looking at Doctor). Do 
you think I could stay there and let her abuse herself like that? 
(Taking Mildred's hand.) Dearest, I have been a jealous brute. 
Can you forgive me? 

Mildred (turning away). Dr. Morgan, you are a scheming, 
wicked man. 

Doctor (shaking his iinger at her). Remember, when you are 
forty-six I am to have my opportunity. 

Dick. Am I forgiven? 

Mildred. Am I a flirt? 

Dick. You are the dearest, sweetest, loveliest girl in the world. 

[Dr. Morgan studies the wall, l. 

Mildred. Am I a flirt? 

Dick. You are an angel. 

Mildred (laughing). Am I a flirt? 

Dick. No, no, no. You don't understand the first principles 
of flirting. 

Mildred (rising and holding out her hand to Dick, who rises 



JUL S3 1903 

72 A Regular Flirt 

and clasps her hand in both of his). Then I forgive you. But 
{smiling at him) how it must have hurt you to teli that fib ! 

[Both walk c. Dick holds Mildred's right hand in his 
right and places his left arm around her. Doctor 
looks at them, then turns hastily azvay and walks l. 
Dick. I have your forgiveness, so I am satisfied. 

ENTER Theo, Reginald and Kitty_, r. All three coming down. 

Theo. Oh, Uncle Theo — why, Mildred, where in the world 
have you been? The cream all got — aw — cold waiting for you. 

ENTER Mrs. Mason and Marie, l. Mrs. Mason comes d. to 
Doctor's right. Marie remains u. c. 

Mrs. Mason. Doctor, I have been looking everywhere for 
you. Can Richards drive me to the station early to-morrow 
morning? I have to take the 7.30 train. 

Doctor. Not Richards, Mrs. Mason, for, as you see, he is 
otherwise engaged, but I shall be delighted to drive you there 
myself. 

[Mrs. Mason looks at Dick and Mildred through her 
lorgnette. 

Mrs. Mason (simpering). Ah, but the Baron might object. 
He is so — so — well, so jealous. 

Marie (coming forzvard). I spoke to Michael, Madam, and he 
say he will be glad to go. 

Kitty. We shall all go, for I am sure we all wish to see the 
last of our chaperon. 

Mrs. Mason. How considerate of you ! 

Dick (raising Mildred's hand). And I shall have to get a new 
ring for this little finger. 

Mildred (holding up ring). No, I prefer the old one. (Gives 
ring to Dick, who puts it upon her finger.) 

Positions. 

Mildred. Dick. 
Marie. Reginald. Mrs. Mason. 

Kitty. 
Theo. Doctor. 



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w NIGHT OFF, A. Comedy by Augustin Daly ; printed from the original "Vj? 

y^ prompt-copy ; 4 acts ; 2^ hours 6 5 w 

yl PRISONER OF ANDERSONVILLE. Military comedy drama. An excel- >K 

/i\ lent play for amateurs, as all the parts are good and evenly divided ; 4 acts ; ?K 

^|> 2i< hours 10 4 ^jj 

ifif^ REGULAR FLIRT, A. Up to-date comedy, especially recommended to ijljf 

(^JX those who have produced the author's "Just for Fun " ; 3 acts ; 2 hours... 441^^ 

JIJ SEVEN-TWENTY-EIGHT. By Augustin Daly. There have been several "Vj? 

'j^ imitations of this comedy, but none of them approaches the original ; W 

Jj> 4 acts ; 2i^ hours ^ "^ «> 

)j\ SHAUN AROON. Stirring drama of home life in Ireland ; a simple real pic- S% 

j/ji ture of country life in the Emerald Isle ; 3 acts ; 2 hours 7 3 ^|% 

ilk SQUIRE TOMPKINS' DAUGHTER. Strong comedy drama; 5 acts; i^l!^ 

^te 2^ hours 5 2 ^1^ 

Jj^ STEEL KING, THE. Comedy drama with brisk action; depicts the strug- W. 

y} gle between labor and capital ; 4 acts ; 2% hours 5 3 >k 

^|>i WHAT'S NEXT? Farce comedy: 3 acts; plays 150 minutes; raises 150 ^|^ 

'^jj^ laughs 7 4 ^1^ 

(?fe WHITE LIE, A. Comedy drama; abounds in laughable comedy features <(f/' 

illiS and strong situations of serious interest ; 4 acts ; 2% hours 4 3 y^ 

^ I 

<jS DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann St., N. Y. il? 



